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S.A.D.

Social Anxiety Disorder in My Own Words

By Brooklyn PowellPublished 5 years ago 3 min read
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Circa July 17, 2017 

The picture above portrays my deepest struggle in life. The struggle I've been battling for years. In the last four, it's become crippling beyond belief. That picture is of me, lost in the vivid beauty of the light while keeping a safe distance. I can see it right there! A way out of all of this. I am hesitant, my mind and thoughts viciously holding me back to no avail.

The Fuel to the Fire: Our mind is like a power generator, it holds ALL the potential. It has the ability to fully prosper and have you running through life ready to kick some ass. It also has the ability to malfunction, leaving your mind tainted with broken bits and pieces. Here's a glimpse into the mind of someone who battles S.A.D. A glimpse into the mind of someone who was tainted by their past, and the shattered remnants.

Thoughts:It's the simplest things that leave the mind spiraling out of control. Fearful of the unknown to the point of destruction. " I can't smile at a stranger, because I'm already convinced they're judging me harshly." "I shouldn't chime in on the conversation, my contribution doesn't matter." "I've been quiet for so long, there is no point in changing now." These are just a few examples of crippling thoughts that become the norm. If you think about anything long enough it becomes your reality.

Emotions by Sebastian Eriksson

Those thoughts then trickle down to emotions. " I'm pissed, I just want to be normal." " I want to start a conversation with someone without feeling like my heart is going to explode." " I want to not give a shit what others think." Beating yourself up over and over because what comes freely to others is physically draining for yourself. " No one understands." is the killer. The sad truth is some do believe it's a joke. Let me be quick to say S.A.D is not a fantasy. No one wishes on themselves to pick apart every detail of life as if it's dire. (I guess my defensive side wanted to be seen) It's a reality for me and many others. Now, although it is a reality, in the end, it is up to us to take back control. The sad truth is this destructive reality can become comfortable and cozy.

I want to step out of my head and into my life. This brings me back to the picture above. I want to live in that light, without the fear of failure. We have to experience failure, vulnerability, and rejection in order to grow as individuals. It's a part of life that we should not fear but ride along like a wave. The wave of society and humanity.

My whole goal of writing this story was to give insight into not only my world but many others. We battle something so intrusive and powerful on a daily basis. We are so easily scarred by the actions of others and day to day life. It sucks. It hurts. It's vividly real. I am personally on the journey of overcoming my past that has put me in this battle. It doesn't happen in a week, a month, hell not even a year. It's a long journey to redirect our minds into the present and fill it with the positivity that we deserve. At the end of the day, we are here for a reason. We have a purpose and something to contribute to this world. Our mind is feeding us false information because maybe at some point in time it saved us from more heartache. It saved us from the reality we previously had that was just as destructive. Family issues, bullies, depression. Our mind tried to save us by creating a safe environment where we wouldn't have to endure the trials and tribulations of life. We were already dealing with more than our hearts could handle.

I recently came across a quote that I love. I feel it fits perfectly at the end to give anyone and everyone a little motivation.

"In order to kick ass, you must first lift your foot." - Jen Sincero
anxiety
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About the Creator

Brooklyn Powell

When I write I am my highest self. I have no fears of judgment. I am free.

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