Searching for Hope

“Janice, do you hear voices?” My thought process was interrupted once again.

My eyes met my therapists and I was in horror. ‘How did she know?’ I ask myself. As my heart pounds, I mutter the word “yes” out loud. She’s my therapist. I can’t lie to her. Even though I secretly wanted to.

I’ve heard voices my entire life but I’ve done my best to keep it a secret. I have two kids, if anyone finds out they will take them from me was the thought that went through my head. It was a common thought. My kids being taken away from me was my biggest fear. Since I was one that went trough the foster care system, the last thing I wanted was my kids to go through the same thing.

I hear voices every day. Actually, several times a day. They have their own names and personalities and is why am in this situation. Well, when I think about it, they are at least part of the reason.

Nadia is very dominant and terrifying. She’s the one that wants me to kill myself. I don’t think she quite understands the fact that if I die, she dies. She also wants me to kill my husband. Nadia feels like Cory is in the way of her plans. I haven’t gotten to the bottom of where her plans are going but they can’t be good.

Lydia is very sure of herself. She has confidence and doesn’t care what others think of her. She’s not a bad one. In fact, I sometimes wish I was Lydia. Always knowing exactly who I am and what I am capable of. Not caring what others think of me when I die my hair or when I parent my children. I shouldn’t care what others think. I’m my kids mother after all. What’s it to them if I homeschool or not? Or if I let my four year old stay up passed what should be her bedtime because of the fact we aren’t tied to a schedule?

There is also Jaylynn and Lorraina who are very similar. They are both little girls and act as such. They want everyone to get along and be happy. Jaylynn and Lorraina want to please people so they are the easiest to manipulate.

There are other voices as well, but those are the four that have let themselves be known. There are no names for the others but they are very real just the same.

Having voices in your head is like having a radio on static all the time because a lot of the time it’s just that, noise. But every so often there’s a few that will pop out of the static and want to have an actual conversation... or argument. I just had a conversation with one about this book. He doesn’t want it to get out because then it’s real. He wants to smash my computer into the garage floor and destroy everything. I don’t think he knows that I have this stuff saved elsewhere and can send it to whomever I want, whenever I want.

Another time, I had an argument over my walk with the Lord. Yes, even though I have depression and voices, I still have a relationship with God. It’s crazy because Nadia and Lydia aren’t believers. I don’t know if that means, a part of me doubts my faith since the voices are a part of who I am or maybe they are separate from me and my faith in God is genuine and strong?

One thing I know for sure though is that I have every day ordinary conversations with them. It’s just not so ordinary to have this going on in someone’s brain.