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Seatbelt

Buckle in for the ride of your life...

By Bekah BoudreauPublished 5 years ago 5 min read
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Recently, I went on a small day trip from my quaint town to another quaint town on my new home island of Ireland. I packed up my life and moved here about a month ago, and I have had nothing but amazing, uplifting experiences, and reassurances that I made the right decision. Moving to a completely new country has been something that I've aspired to do for years, but to say that I ever expected this to happen would be false, and this would be for a number of reasons. First reason being I never thought I could ever move away from home; I feared that I would get homesick too quickly, and always thought I would want to stay within the comforts of my hometown. Clearly, as I got older I found a shocking presence of independence and wanderlust within myself, just enough to push me to leave the nest, and fulfill what I've always dreamed of doing. Fast forward to the present, while I'm living my dream in Ireland, I decided to travel around a little when I get the chance, and with the bus system being so quick and easy, it really makes day trips ideal. I was on my way to the lovely village of Kinsale, full of colourful buildings, winding roads and sailboats. I hopped on the bus, threw on some John Mayer (obviously), and sat back and began to enjoy the luscious green scenery around me. Although I was in my element, something quickly started weighing down on me. On the buses in Ireland, there are seatbelts on every seat, although no one wears them. I sat there, John Mayer singing sweet nothings in my ear, and decided that it would be dumb to keep my seatbelt off, what if something was to happen? I have too much ahead of me to risk it, because I was too lazy to move my arm in two swift motions.

As soon as I clicked the seatbelt into place, my eyes began to well up with tears. The second reason that I never saw my dream being fulfilled was because, quite frankly, there was a period in my life where I didn't see any of my dreams being fulfilled. In the early spring of 2017, almost two years after I started recovering from my fight with anorexia, I got hit with a massive wave of depression. This wave completely knocked me off of my feet, and I couldn't see anything through the darkness. All my goals, dreams, and aspirations were swept away, and I didn't see any reason to keep fighting for them. During this dark time in my life, I would often find myself not caring about potential hazards to my well-being. I didn't care if I was carelessly wielding a knife, or dangerously walking across a busy road, because I didn't see the point of watching out for my well-being if I couldn't even see my future anymore. The main thing that I remember quite vividly is not caring whether my seatbelt was on or not, and I would always say to myself, "It doesn't matter anyways," because at that point, my life didn't matter to me anymore. If something happened, so be it, I thought that I'd be better off. When I acknowledged my worth, and the future ahead of me on that bus cruising through the Emerald Isle, the last affirmation of how far i've come was that simple click of metal that I haven't heard enough of in my life. "I've done it" I thought to myself. I've fought the wave, and can see the light of day again. Every now and then, I become quite overwhelmed with pride for myself because I really did that. I turned every doubt into a reason to fight even harder to achieve my goals, to prove myself and others wrong, and to just see if things work out for me. Sure, there are days that I doubt everything, every dream, every step, every goal, whether they will work out. We all do this; we become unsure as to whether what we want to work out, will ever work out how we want it to, and start to feel the familiar weight of anxiety saying that it'll never work, so why try? Well, why not? What do you have to lose? By pursuing your dreams, and just trying, you have nothing to lose and the world to gain. Think of the experience you'll gain, the people you'll meet, the places you'll go, just by trying to get to where you want to be. Whenever I would feel the familiar pressure of the wave pushing me down, I would think of everything ahead of me, whether things work out or not, and I realized that every doubt consisted of something that I wanted in the first place, so I might as well see if my doubts were worth listening to or not.

Sometimes we recover from things and wonder, "where's my pat on the back?" because as humans, we crave affirmation for our actions. Sometimes we think that this affirmation will come through others, or will be so obvious that we'll catch it right away. Don't go looking for your reward for all your hard-work, because it won't be quick and it won't be blatantly in front of you. It will be in the sunsets you never thought you'd witness, the restaurant you never thought you'd get the chance to try, and the "I love you's" you didn't expect to say again. All of these are rewards that will eventually point you to where you need to be, and where you will finally feel the accomplishment of your hard work. Two years ago, I never would've imagined that I would be where I am today, and although there are days where I feel as hopeless and unmotivated as I was two years ago, there are also days where I can't help, but be excited to come along for the ride, and hear the seatbelt buckle.

recovery
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