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I didn't think I would be here... living in a small apartment with my fiance and working at a crappy job where I get paid less than minimum wage. I didn't think I would be here... watching my friends grow into these amazing human beings and raising the next generation. I didn't think I would be here... to follow my dreams and go to college debt free. I didn't think I would be here... to continuously have amazing adventures with my Dad. I didn't think I would be here... to graduate and walk with my fellow classmates. I didn't think I would be here... to be able to toast with my parents when I turned 21. I didn't think I would be here... to see my niece turn into the beautiful little girl that she is today or become an aunt again. I didn't think I would be here planning my wedding and marrying the love of my life. Because every day I hated myself and I didn't understand why.
It gets hard when it is the same hateful voice in the back of your head saying that you will never amount to much, that you will always be a nobody, you will always be invisible, and nobody would care if you're gone. The truth is they will. They will show up to your funeral crying, wondering what they missed, how if they hugged you a second longer, and wish you were there during the hard times. They will show up... blaming themselves, hating themselves as your coffins gets lowered into the ground, because no matter how many people didn't like you or didn't have time for you... you made an impact on people. That's why people who aren't your friends are suddenly pretending they know you. They saw a goofy girl who made the magic of the world seem a little bit brighter, they saw a quiet boy loyal to a fault, and they saw us... They saw people who didn't care anymore.
We harden ourselves, build up impenetrable walls, and stop caring about stupid people who had no idea about us. Perfectly imperfect people. No matter how many good days you are blessed with and no matter how happy you seem, depression is the constant state of drowning... and it can affect anybody. To the people who just say, "just deal with it." You can't just deal with it... You can live with it sure, you can medicate it and go to therapy, but your brain is sick. When an organ is sick, you can't just put a Band-Aid on it and call it a day. As much as people like to joke that it's "all in our head," it is all in our head, but it doesn't mean it's any less real. People don't understand or play it off to be less bad than it is because they see us smiling, so of course we must be faking and we must be doing it for attention.
The truth is... it is easier to fake confidence and a smile than trying to explain why you're sad and hurt all the time. We are good liars. We're good at lying to ourselves and to others because that is the easiest thing we can do. Because even if we stood on top of a building and told people below that we were going to jump... most of them would have told us to do it or do a flip... They joke because they don't understand or don't care until it is somebody close to them. So treat people with kindness... today. Tell people how you feel and hold your loved ones a little bit tighter... today. Let people know you appreciate them... today. Don't wait until someone's funeral to make you realize that you cared, but you didn't say anything. Say it now. Appreciate what you have now because not everyone gets second chances.