Second-Hand Trauma

When someone doesn't understand a heavy topic, their instinct to avoid creating damage is far stronger than their desire to learn. No one wants to be the bad guy, so anyone that hasn't been forced into an understanding via life circumstances will typically choose one thing above all other options: silence and distance. The burden of reaching out then falls to the damaged, who struggle with an inordinate amount of silent, energy-sapping challenges as it is.

There is no blame on someone choosing the safe route of staying clear, as sometimes it really is the best thing they could have done. However, I know a large number of hurting people who wish someone would reach out to them, if only to make that one little piece of the puzzle a little bit easier. In essence, the challenge is closing the gap between the people who are hurt and the people who want to help correctly, if there is such a thing.

The trickiest part of helping someone you care about is to empathize, yet draw an emotional line you will not cross; you must come to understand your own emotional ups and downs so that you can identify where your "tipping point" is. That is, how far you can either involve your own emotions or expose yourself to others' raw emotions before you start to slip into that space where you can't think clearly. It is a balancing act, and it can be improved with time, but knowing where you are starting is far, far more important since you will struggle to improve at all if you cannot acknowledge your starting point.

Empathy is the other half of the equation, which can be very tricky for anyone who has not dealt with similar trauma; listening to other people express the depths of their pain is, in turn, very painful, especially with people you care for deeply. Knowing how much you can listen to, and how much recovery time you need afterwards (which is completely relevant and legitimate—this is hard for everyone involved, and if you don't give yourself time, you can't give anyone else time) is incredibly crucial in this. Many times, I have run into trauma victims that simply want to express what happened to them, and have someone listen to and acknowledge what happened, how they reacted, and what they've been doing to recover. It sounds simple, but for someone who doesn't normally encounter those levels of pain in other people, it can be a tremendous challenge. For non-trauma helpers, the key is to know your limits and gradually expand them as you are able. It will be uncomfortable and even painful at times, but it will definitely help your loved one.

Another thing I've witnessed in non-trauma helpers is a desire to dig into the details and KNOW what to say, KNOW whether a thing was ACTUALLY the best route to go, or KNOW what this person's process ought to look like. I do not mock; I was one of these people, even while in the midst of trauma. The idea of exactness is tempting; the allure of proper method leading to proper recovery is, in fact, a siren's song. Follow it, and you will crash on the rocks. Take it from the survivor of many shipwrecks: this is not what your trauma survivor either wants or needs, and do keep in mind that humanity is anything but exact. Neither the cause, nor the course chosen, nor the cure are in any way precise, and that's okay.

Truthfully, both our memories and our instincts work at their peak within abstract concepts. Therefore, even if the way they reacted wasn't the best, even if there was something else they technically could have done, even if their chosen process is not foolproof (though gentle recommendations left on the table are always welcome), and especially, even if you don't know what to say, or if anything you say is "right"... let them know you are proud that they survived, and continue to survive. Acknowledge that they did the absolute best that they could, given their mindset and resources at that time (They did, trust me. Fight-flight-freeze is a horrible thing to be trapped in.).

So you've set your boundaries, you've listened to your loved one get that trauma out of their head (as best as they can), and you've acknowledged their bravery and strength in surviving and trying to overcome what happened. Those are the complete foundation for helping someone manage their trauma—if you do nothing else, please believe me when I say that you have already done an awful lot. Even if they can't say so, your loved one is truly grateful.

If you're inclined to go above and beyond that support system, there are some more things you can consider. One is to (gently) encourage them to find their voice; many trauma survivors have a lot of trouble putting things in to words because reliving the fight-flight-freeze response literally shuts down the speech centers of their brain. With this challenge, be very patient, and make sure you give them tons of space to bring out their words. If that is too much for them, encourage them to write; either sit patiently as they put it all down on paper, then ask whether they want to read it aloud to you, or have you read it—either aloud or to yourself—or you can encourage them to keep a journal, and make it clear that you will only read it if they see fit to share it with you. In all of these endeavors, remember that consent is crucial—most trauma dehumanizes people by taking away their ability to consent or dissent. As such, trauma survivors are already wired for extreme distress when consent is breached even minutely, so tread with care.

Another very sound route is to find resources; either educate yourself by reading articles on trauma and recovery, reach out to professionals in your community for advice, and/or talk to your loved one about what they would desire in a therapist, should they choose to seek one out. The most important thing to understand, when taking this route, is that broaching these topics to your loved one can easily seem like you are pushing them to recover. Please keep in mind, this is not because of anything you have done; it is because they have been pushed to recover in the past, and often treated like their chronic injury was nothing more than an inconvenience.

Your loved one may be preemptively defensive, so making your intentions absolutely clear is a good starting point. You might begin with, "I know you need time to process your trauma, and I'm willing to work with you as long as you need. Would it be okay if I brought up some articles I found, just to make sure that I'm understanding them correctly, and that we're on the same page?" When talking about a therapist, you may begin with, "I know you are struggling and in pain, and although I want to help you recover in every way you need, I know I don't have the skill sets to get you there. If I can't help you myself, I'd like to find someone who can, and for that, I need to know what your preferences are. We don't have to do it now, but at some point, can we have a conversation about what you want in a therapist?"

I acknowledge, these approaches seem like a lot of talking. However, keep in mind that bringing up the trauma at all has immediately put them into fight or flight, and their brain is flying at a million miles an hour, doing threat assessment. Their brain chemistry is wired for that response; it is not a lack of trust on their part, it is their lizard brain spinning out of control. To reach the part of them that can clearly understand what you are bringing up, you must first demonstrate to their lizard brain that you present no threats. Though it seems laborious, it is in fact the most efficient route to go.

Perhaps the most important in all of this is to manage your own needs while providing for your loved one. You do not have to do this alone! You should probably seek permission from your loved one before confiding in a trusted friend about your struggles, but remember that healthcare professionals consider all conversations of that nature to be proprietary, so will not share the information with anyone unless they have genuine cause to believe a life is at stake. Share, discuss, seek advice, utilize anonymous forums where people in like-circumstances can find resources and solace. Do not be an island in this; we are all stronger when we come together for solutions.

Lastly, and with full emphasis, I must remind you: Do NOT keep it to yourself if your loved one begins to exhibit suicide symptoms. You may think you can "manage" it, you may worry over losing their trust should the report be false, you may even want to keep the idea at bay because it is too painful to consider. Remember, all you have to do is look for the symptoms, and have a plan of action should those symptoms present. Many, many places offer lists and guides for recognizing symptoms of suicidal ideation, and you can research them until you have a list that is easy for you to recognize and remember. Here is a sample list, taken from WebMD on How to Recognize Symptoms of Suicidal Behavior:

• Excessive sadness or moodiness: Long-lasting sadness, mood swings, and unexpected rage.
• Hopelessness: Feeling a deep sense of hopelessness about the future, with little expectation that circumstances can improve.
• Sleep problems.
• Sudden calmness: Suddenly becoming calm after a period of depression or moodiness can be a sign that the person has made a decision to end his or her life.
• Withdrawal: Choosing to be alone and avoiding friends or social activities also are possible symptoms of depression, a leading cause of suicide. This includes the loss of interest or pleasure in activities the person previously enjoyed.
• Changes in personality and/or appearance: A person who is considering suicide might exhibit a change in attitude or behavior, such as speaking or moving with unusual speed or slowness. In addition, the person might suddenly become less concerned about his or her personal appearance.
• Dangerous or self-harmful behavior: Potentially dangerous behavior, such as reckless driving, engaging in unsafe sex, and increased use of drugs and/or alcohol might indicate that the person no longer values his or her life.
• Recent trauma or life crisis: A major life crisis might trigger a suicide attempt. Crises include the death of a loved one or pet, divorce or break-up of a relationship, diagnosis of a major illness, loss of a job, or serious financial problems.
• Making preparations: Often, a person considering suicide will begin to put his or her personal business in order. This might include visiting friends and family members, giving away personal possessions, making a will, and cleaning up his or her room or home. Some people will write a note before committing suicide. Some will buy a firearm or other means like poison.
• Threatening suicide: From 50% to 75% of those considering suicide will give someone—a friend or relative—a warning sign. However, not everyone who is considering suicide will say so, and not everyone who threatens suicide will follow through with it. Every threat of suicide should be taken seriously.

Part of your plan can even be informing your loved one of the list of symptoms, and reaching out to them when the symptoms present. Some part of them always wants to live, so if you gently ask them about something you've just seen, they may well confirm it. Even if they do not confirm it, and you still have a strong instinct telling you to act, simply tell your loved one that you fear for them, and would like to pursue action regardless. Since you have been communicating with them through their whole process, they will be able to acknowledge this as an act of love. More so, you can proceed discreetly, which will keep your loved one from feeling exposed. Also, if they are aware of the plan from the beginning rather than being surprised with it at the last second, they are less likely to feel like they are under attack and more likely to feel like they are being supported, making it easier to address the symptoms that have arisen.

You've chosen your love for this individual despite the imminent strain, pain, and rocky roads ahead. Never lose sight of how important that is, and how wonderful you are. You have brought water to one dying of thirst, and they will remember you as a hero. Stay strong.

Ref:

https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/recognizing-suicidal-behavior#1