Self Sabotage

I have attempted writing this story since the last time I decided to start the whole blogging thing. It's been two months since then. Here goes nothing. I think we all know a little something about self sabotage. It is in our nature. How can you not? We all have these thoughts that continue to enter our mind that prevent us from being the best versions of our selves. They make us hide away in our corners just hoping someone will help pull you out. It absolutely sucks. There is nothing we can do about it unless our will for happiness is stronger than our own sadness. What if that will isn't strong enough? What exactly are we supposed to do? I wish I had the answer to that question. Then I would be writing a positive post instead of a sad one. But every blogger has their moments, and I'm deciding that this is going to be mine. One of many might I warn you.

I do this thing where I am surrounded by all these people who show me so much love, but I continue to convince myself otherwise. For example, I could be the best of friends with someone. We spend all of our time together. We tell each other things that we normally wouldn't tell others, but in the end I self sabotage a beautiful relationship I created. No I don't cut them off, or anything of that measure. Although I do convince myself that I am more their friend than they are mine. It makes no sense I know, but I can not help it. I get to the point where I am good and happy where I stand. Then all of the sudden as soon as I realize I am finally happy; my mind says frick you sorry I am just going to take a moment and switch up on you really quickly. Hold tight. It is the worst feeling. I feel myself beginning to distance myself. Not because I want to but I convince myself that it is what my friend is already doing. Therefore I have to beat them to the punches before I am left hurting. But in reality it isn't what they are doing at all. It is all in my head. Does that make sense? Am I the only one who does this? Yeah I thought so. It's fine.

I have plenty self sabotage moments that I am really not proud of. Can someone help me in getting out of that cycle? No? It's alright I should probably learn to pull myself out. I am not sure if it is the reoccurring depression or the stress that is put upon me, but it is getting a little old. I walk down the hall way, and a thought jumps into my mind about someone that I know. After realizing what exactly I am thinking, I chant the words self sabotage in my head three times just so it will stop. It is like I have to remind myself of what I am doing. It is a sad cycle but what can you do?

I have had image issues all my life. Since I was in middle school. Of course it doesn't help when you have a grandmother and a mother who aid in the process. It's always been about how I should be or what I should feel. It is never actually about me. Ya know? It has always been about everyone else. The way they look, dress or act. I self sabotage for an example, I rarely like to go out partying. This is because ALL, when I say all I mean ALL my friends are gorgeous. OF COURSE they have their own flaws but you would absolutely never know that about them. Here is why... they all every single one of them carry this aura, this energy that parades confidence. Being around them makes me feel less and less about myself. It isn't their fault at all. It is one hundred percent all me. They can not help that. If anything they are trying to feel confident just as much as I try. Everyone has their flaws I get that. It is just a lot harder to overcome them than it seems.

Self sabotage is a deadly thing. It can cause you to feel all sorts of things that really just aren't worth you're time. I find myself reading books from a man named R.M.Drake. He is magical. He embodies everything I think, but wish to say out loud. I read the words that he writes and cry because I finally realize that I am not the only one who thinks the things that I do. I don't feel alone in this gigantic world that we live in.

One thing that I am trying to learn is to be at peace with everything surrounding me. It is something I will pride myself in someday. Until then I will continue to try and believe in myself a little more each day. Some more than others. It is a tough life to live sometimes but honestly... I can't pretend I am not grateful for the little things I am at peace with. Those little things keep me grounded. They keep me safe. That's all I could ever ask for. To be one with who I am, and who I am meant to be. That's the tricky part isn't it? Maybe one day; until then your worst enemy is always you. Whether you are happy or sad. It all depends on how you let your emotions run your life. The world is your oyster. Take it as your own.... At least to the best of your abilities.

-Ayana Ramirez