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Serenity Through Insanity

Anxiety, How It Affects Me, and How It's Brought Me Closer to the Things I Love

By Bethany CurranPublished 6 years ago 4 min read
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On average, around 1 in 14 people suffer with some form of mental health issue. Mental health can become a debilitating and physically straining part of someone's life if not dealt with and accepted as necessary.

My journey through mental health started when I was 15 years old. Since then, on a loop, it has stopped and restarted itself at different points of my life.

Here's my story and how I deal with everyday life.

Lack of Acceptance

Since I was young, I've never fully accepted myself and the idea of having 'Mental health problems.' After watching my mum when I was younger try to take her own life and self harm next to me, the idea of having such a problem made me scared and, in some sense, ashamed.

Having been bullied at a young age for my mum being 'crazy' or a 'weirdo,' I would block out any feelings of sadness or depression with the fear I too would be called names further like my mother was.

Anxiety

For me, I could barely answer a phone in fear that someone would ridicule my voice or eat in public in fear that someone would judge my weight. Any time I wasn't safely hidden from the safety of my house, I would constantly be on the edge which, even as I get older, the difficulties became worse.

Now I am able to hide my anxiety, but you'll find me rushing to the bathroom to unload as I feel a panic attack approaching or cancel events because I'm too scared to leave the house unless it's for work.

The Physical and Mental Boundaries

Due to my anxiety, I'm unable to sleep most nights. I wake up crying from vivid nightmares and lucid dreams of figures in my room, and if I do manage to sleep, the heartburn won't let me go that easily no matter how many tablets I take.

There is also the loss of close friends and, in my case, family. I find it very difficult to form close bonds or friendships with people and maintain those I have. I would ignore people in fear of rejection. There's also the constant ticks such as rubbing my hands, scratching my arms, playing with my feet, or generally not being able to sit still.

These are just some of the things I deal with on a personal level, but a lot of people dealing with anxiety deal with a lot more on a daily basis.

The Positives

Now I've talked about all the negatives, I can now lighten the mood with all the things I love in my life which let me forget I have anxiety.

Animals: There is nothing more I love than my furry friends. They give me peace and a sense of purpose. If I didn't have my horse and my dogs, I don't know how I would physically cope. Medication can take the edge off, but my true therapy comes from my animals.

Arts and DIY: when my brain is on 100 percent overload, I find it satisfying to be able to sit in my bed and just draw out my thoughts or what I enjoy such as flowers, and as I've already said, animals. I also love the joy of knitting a fluffy blanket. I can eventually snuggle down with a good book.

My fiancé: Now throughout this post, I've said how I struggle with friends and family, but my partner is everything in one. I 100% feel comfortable with and his presence and affection is so comforting when I'm having a bad time.

Gym: I thoroughly enjoy the gym. Though my self image is poor, when I go to the gym, I feel so much better releasing all my tension into my workout. Even if I'm not a fitness model or athlete, lifting 1kg higher the next day is an achievement in my eyes.

Summary

Though life is hard at times, self acceptance and learning yourself is key. It's taken me a very long time to accept who I am and my struggles, but since I have found ways to limit the outbreak of my nightmares, I've never felt so in control of something uncontrollable.

Love yourself and accept who you are, because one person is enough—even if that person is you. Everyone is worth something.

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