Silently Suffering

When I started my tests and medications to fight my infertility, I thought that I was prepared for how it would all affect me PHYSICALLY (still not true); however, somehow I NEVER could have prepared myself for how it has all affected me EMOTIONALLY.

I have struggled with depression for most of my life, and anxiety became a real thing when I came home early from my mission in April of 2014 due to appendicitis. I have always taken homeopathic remedies for both of them; however, after my hormones became seriously screwed up from taking Clomid for four months (to help me to ovulate regularly, boost my progesterone, and *hopefully* get pregnant), I had to consider other options.

After literally MONTHS of feeling low, helpless, and all over the place emotionally from the Clomid (and the homeopathic remedies not being enough for the severity of it all), I went and spoke with my OBGYN at the beginning of January and told her about my seemingly hopeless depression and anxiety. She had me take a little self-assessment questionnaire to gauge where my emotional state was at at the time. After finishing my little "quiz" and hoping that I had gotten the "right score," my doctor looked over my results and told me this:

"A '10' is moderate depression, and you are at an '18 to 19.' You have moderate to severe depression."

I replied with, "Ya... that sounds about right. That pretty accurately depicts how I'm feeling right now."

She asked how I would feel about trying some medication to help with it all. I was slightly hesitant because I had never taken an antidepressant medication before, so I was nervous about how it might affect me. Would it make my moods better? Would it make me feel WORSE?? I knew that it was such a gamble, trying any sort of medication, because it tends to affect everyone a little bit differently. However, with how hopeless I was feeling at the time, I figured, "What's the worst that can happen??"

So I said, "Sure! Let's give it a shot!"

Because my body is SO sensitive to literally EVERYTHING, I started taking (half of) the lowest dose of Zoloft the next day after my appointment. The first few days I just felt... weird, for lack of a better term. I didn't feel much of a difference, I just felt like something was "off."

Since my doctor had warned me that it would probably take at least a month or so of feeling "off" before I really started to feel better, I pushed through those first few days, knowing (at least *hoping*) that I would get feeling better sooner rather than later.

After that, the next week and a half or so was good! I was starting to feel alright! So I did what my doctor suggested, and I upped what I was taking from one half a pill to a full pill—everyday. However, after a week of that I didn't feel better, but instead, I felt WORSE. I just felt OFF—and even more so, I felt as if I had just been hit by a tranquilizer. I could hardly get out of bed in the morning, let alone function properly. It was a real problem. So, I called my doctor's office and told them what was going on, and they told me to go back to the half dose and then see how I was feeling in a couple of weeks.

I met with my doctor on Wednesday, February 6th, and I couldn't have been more excited for a doctor's appointment than I was for this one!! Because I still didn't quite feel "normal," and I was still SUUUPER exhausted all the time (among other side effects), I talked with her about all of that, and she agreed that Zoloft wasn't a good fit for me. Now I am trying Prozac and hoping that this gives me more energy and helps me feel better!!

I feel like it is important for me to share this part of my journey with my mental health because it has really affected me and my life! However, I also feel like I need to stress that I am not a doctor, psychologist, therapist, or anything like that. I am simply a 26-year-old woman who is battling infertility, depression, and anxiety, and this is my story.

A HUGE part of what makes dealing with depression and all of this so difficult is the stigma behind mental illness. This is so beautifully talked about in Elder Jeffery R. Holland's October 2013 General Conference talk for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints titled, Like a Broken Vessel, which states:

"...there should be no more shame in acknowledging [mental illnesses] than in acknowledging a battle with high blood pressure or the sudden appearance of a malignant tumor."

Mental health affects SO many people around the world every single day! So if it is really so common, then why the stigma? Why the shame? Why be embarrassed about having to take medication to treat it, just like any other illness?? It is just as important to acknowledge and treat your MENTAL health as it is your physical health.

Elder Holland also goes on to talk about the equal importance of taking care of our mental health the same as our physical health. He says, "...if you had appendicitis, God would expect you to seek a priesthood blessing AND get the best medical care available. So too with emotional disorders."

We should not be forced to hide and suffer in silence because we're afraid of what those around us might think or say! I have had chronic clinical depression since I was at least five years old. However, I didn't know that that was what was going on with me until I was 12 years old and I learned about it in health class. Until then, I just thought that it was normal and that EVERYONE took "happy drops," as my mom so lovingly called the homeopathic remedy that I took for my depression. I took that from the time I was five years old, up until the beginning of this year (26 years old) when I started taking my antidepressant medication.

I'll never forget the day in health class when we learned about chemical imbalances in the brain that cause depression and other mental illnesses. It was like a light switch went on in my brain and a fog was lifted, and I thought, "So THAT'S what's wrong with me!! It all makes sense now!!" And I told my friends with a cheery, bubbly tone and smile on my face, "Guess what! I have depression!" Since I've always had a really happy, bubbly personality, naturally my friends just laughed and didn't believe me.

But that's the thing that most people don't realize about depression; as long as we are taking something for it and have it under control, we're not just gonna be all sad and mopey all the time. We have bad times and good times, too—just like anyone else! But for someone with clinical depression, their lows can get A LOT lower.

We need to live in a world where it's not just okay, but 100 percent acceptable, to call in sick for work and take a "mental health day" once in a while. I know that some employers are really good and understanding when it comes to this, while others are not. Just because you can't SEE it, doesn't mean it isn't there.

Sometimes I wish that I could trade in my depression and anxiety for some physical thing—because at least that way a lot more people would understand. But then the more I think about it, the more grateful I am for this trial in my life because of what it has taught me. My depression and anxiety have taught me to be so much more empathetic to others who are struggling, and it has helped me to create bonds and friendships with people who I otherwise would not have.

We ALL have struggles; no one is immune. It's just LIFE. I was having a conversation with someone recently about depression, and they suggested that if I "just had enough faith," then I would be healed. Well, I very much have faith in God and my Savior, Jesus Christ. However, simply due to the mortal nature of this life and how we all must endure trials and learn lessons, we unfortunately can't ALL be healed (at least not as immediate as we may like). Some may be healed, some may be healed later down the road, and others may have to endure their struggles for a lifetime before finally receiving ultimate relief. And that's okay.

Because I have dealt with chronic clinical depression for most of my life, the way that I have learned to cope with it is to look on the bright side most of the time and just hide my depression, which can be a good thing. However, shoving your feelings way down deep, plastering a fake smile on your face, and saying you're doing "good" when you're really not—just so people don't know you're struggling—is NOT a good thing.

I am THE QUEEN of being "emotionally constipated," as therapists would so lovingly refer to me. At first I would laugh at that, thinking it was funny—or even thinking that it somehow made me "stronger" to hide my emotions—when in fact, over the years I have learned the hard way that the truth is the exact opposite.

So let your feelings out!! Cry if you need to cry! Be mad! Throw something (as long as it's soft and doesn't cause permanent damage)! Yell! Write! Talk with a trusted friend, family member, or therapist! Sing a Taylor Swift song at the top of your lungs! Just do what you need to do to help you get your emotions out, and then MOVE PAST IT!! And if it's something more chronic or clinical, then GET HELP!! There is NOTHING shameful about going to the doctor to get help for your emotional state and get it where it needs to be.

And last but not least, the biggest thing that I have learned throughout my life with depression is that sometimes it's okay to not be okay. Just embrace your feelings, take things one day at a time, and figure out what you need to do to get feeling better. That's where I'm at right now, and it's okay because I'm taking medication now, so hopefully I WILL be more okay in the near future.

BE KIND. We're all struggling with something, and we all have dragons of our own, so we can't judge and say that something's more or less difficult than what we're going through because we're not them, we can't know.

Show love to your friends, family, neighbors, and anyone else around you! Help to end the silent suffering of those around us who are fighting battles within themselves—by loving and listening to them! Sometimes all that someone needs is a smiling face and a non-judgemental listening ear to know that everything will be okay!