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Sleeping and Anxiety

An Odyssey

By S.E. ReineroPublished 5 years ago 4 min read
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I have always had sleeping problems. While I do not consider myself an insomniac, I know that my inability to shut off my brain, so to speak, at night has caused me stress since my middle school years.

The best way I can diagnose this inability to relax into a deep and fulfilling sleep is by identifying my high levels of anxiety. I remember being so anxious about the possibility of not waking up the next day to my alarm clock. I would daydream in bed and then when I rolled over, craning my neck to check the time, the clock face would stare back at me numbers labeled with AM at the end. I would freak out. I had to have at least six hours of sleep to function at school. I tossed and turned, forcing my eyes closed. I would open my eyes again to find more disappointment. I was never sure if I was falling asleep then waking up again and again at such random hours of the early morning. Shaking in bed, I would cry, and I felt terrible for my parents, who would have to face me when it was time I get ready for school.

After weeks of this distressing routine, my parents and I agreed to take a journey to solve my sleep anxiety problem.

At first, we tried music, specifically ENYA. It was beautiful music, but the words were a distraction and could not fade into background noise for me. We tried soundscapes. Some were better than others, but it still wasn't a complete fix. Eventually, my doctor recommended my mother help me enter a meditative state through a form of massage and a script of dialogue. The typical, "your arms grow heavy," as my mother stroked a soft hand from my shoulder to my writs. It helped, but it took so long, and it would ware off sometimes. I hated having to ask my mother to go through this long routine again so late in the night. Finally, the consistent fix was, funny enough, a sleeping mask. While it still took a long time for me to fall asleep, my anxiety reduced, and I was finding that I was sleeping longer than the months prior. The reason the sleeping mask worked was that I recognized my eyes wandered at night. The cover kept my eyes closed, forcing my body to reduce their activity and allowing me to fall asleep faster than before.

I did experience my fair share of bullying because of them, though, like when I would spend the night at another person's house. One particular incident that pawed at my insecurity was while I was rooming with some other kids on a travel trip. I had been anxious staying in a new hotel, in a part of the world I knew little about and was hoping that my sleeping mask would help block out the sensory details that were distracting me. The moment I pulled it out from my bag, one of the girls pointed at it and asked why I had it. Her tone was condescending and of fake embarrassment. I explained that it helps me sleep. She and the other girls chucked, and I tried to defend myself, but I only made it worse as a result. They called it lame and stupid. It hurt. The sleeping mask was something that helped tell my body it needed to sleep to function the next day. Sufficient to say, I spent most of the night out in the hall, away from them, but I didn't stop wearing the mask. I knew my sanity was more important than impressing them.

I have grown out of my sleeping mask days and moved on to fall asleep to podcasts. My needs have shifted to needing to replace the worrying voices in my head with those of stories, commentators, meditations. While I still struggle with falling asleep, I have the tools to help myself, and I can always go back to the sleeping mask if that is what I need. For now, I will enjoy what precious sleep I receive while I study at University, and it's okay to have the stamina to stay awake until four in the morning when a friend is in need.

What I want others to take away from my struggle with sleep it that there is always a way. I know I can't speak for those diagnosed with insomnia, but for those that find themselves kept awake by anxiety, there is hope. It takes finding what works for you. I couldn't listen to music with words at the beginning of my journey, but now I listen to radio talk and guided meditations. Take the time to do research, ask questions, and try new things. There may still be sleepless nights while on this path, but when you find your release, there will be better sleep in your future.

coping
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About the Creator

S.E. Reinero

Bring what is in your head to the world.

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