Sleeping with the Covert Narcissist

It can all feel so relishing; almost as if you are in a fairy tale romance and you are the prince or princess who pleases your significant other and you both are destined to live happily ever after, until your not.

Have you ever watched a movie, where kidnappers will slowly torture their captives, ultimately prolonging their achieved goal of death? With slow, diligent movements, perfectly planned, the perpetrator exerts their sadistic power. Imagine the captive being strapped in a torture chair, being tortured bit by bit, not knowing that they are slowly dying, losing every bit of power and control until it is too late, and they are gasping for their last breath.

Seems unrealistic right? I mean, how would one not know they are being tortured? The sad truth is this is in fact possible, and the victims do not know or feel the manipulation and pain because the torture is conducted mentally, in such a perfect way that the victim doesn't even believe it is happening, and if they suspect anything, it's that they suspect they themselves are crazy or in the wrong for thinking such a sadistic thing is being done to them by the person they adore.

This type of torture, perfectly executed by the covert narcissist is highly researched because the destruction and damage that is inflicted upon the victim's psyche is life altering. It is debated that covert narcissists are consciously unaware of what they are doing, having no understanding of the impact of their actions.

In fact, covert narcissists will deny the destruction they have caused, because they are not emotionally intelligent enough to comprehend their own emotions, let alone someone else's. Isn't that why they have left you in the position you are currently in; seeking out online articles to try to develop some kind of awareness and sense of what is happening to you, because they cannot provide it themselves?

Sleeping with the covert narcissist can you leave you mentally damaged, with broken trust, no boundaries, and a self-esteem so low that the only thing you can truly feel and understand is that hollow pit of emptiness in your belly. Physically, you lay there beside them, but mentally you are thousands of miles apart. This distance makes you desperate for a connection, but the more you as a starved dog jumps and tries to catch that little piece of food dangling from a string, the further away the string is pulled.

So if you are like me, you have spent hours sleeping next to the covert narcissist, re-thinking every thing you said or done that day and how it could have been different, or better, or wondering if it hurt them, or mad them angry. The constant need for approval and acceptance is debilitating and taking away every ounce of your intelligence and self-esteem until you are a sloppy mess on the floor wondering why.

Here are some of your typical signs of a covert narcissist, keeping in mind that we all have the ability to have these traits at one point in time or another. It is a pattern of behaviors that determine the covert narcissist, and the covert narcissist is not gender specific, or from a particular socio-economic background.

1. Lack of empathy - How do you say that word? What does it mean? Exactly.
2. Highly critical - Projecting so many of their own insecurities and weaknesses onto others, you will begin to feel that everything that could possibly be wrong with you is wrong with you, and nothing you will ever do will be right.
3. Selfishness - They tend to care about one thing only and that is themselves. They only look at how a situation will benefit themselves, what effect it will have on them, and no regard to your feelings, wants, or needs.
4. Anger - If you were to actually make an emotional inventory of the feelings they exhibit on a regular basis, it will more often than not be anger. Sadly, you, or everyone else, is always the reason they are angry.
5. Blame - As the anger rolls into blame, the covert narcissist will rarely ever be accountable for their actions. When they do take accountability, be weary about their actions matching their words.
6. Closeness - No matter what you do, you can never get close with them due to their low emotional intelligence. They will never "allow you in" and their wall is 500 feet high and 500 feet thick. Keep in mind, you will be the reason they do not allow you in, which is a reflection of their own insecurities, and again, playing the blame game.
7. Emptiness - Although there is probably a better word to describe the vibe they give off, we will settle with emptiness. This vibe can be described as an uncaring, rude, ignorant vibe. They show little support, or concern for you, but when they are in need, they make it well known.
8. Using - Coverts will often use people, almost viewing and treating them as objects. Keep in mind however, that they will deny this, because they truly believe that this is not the case. They tend to see things as black and white, and see people for what they can get.
9. Passive Aggression - We all know it, and we all despise it, and when the victim uses it on the covert narcissist, it is as if a bomb has gone off, yet they fail to see that passive aggression is their weapon of choice. Usually victims feel like they are insane, and if you feel this way you are more than likely with a covert.
10. Playing games - A covert narcissist is really good at "sucking up" to you, and because you are very desperate for this positive affection and attention, you give them whatever they want. Guess what? You just got played.
11. Demands - Coverts have a way of making you feel ashamed for having demands, wants, and needs. You will more often than not leave a conversation, or argument feeling like you were the one completely in the wrong and you should not have been so selfish to ask for anything.
12. Reckless - Coverts tend to embark on self-destructive behaviours and do not care the impact or effect it has on others. They will often exert anger for you "trying to tell them what to do," when ultimately you are only caring.
13. Victimization - They are always the victim, no matter what. Live with it, deal with it or go. They will envy those around them and want great things, but blame the world and you for never having what they desire. They will often lay around complaining about "life" and being miserable, waiting for it to change for them. They are life's victim.

I can honestly admit, before I dated a covert narcissist, I never fully understood or had the desire to understand this personality disorder. I was very ignorant and lived with the "I will never let that happen to me" attitude. I lived with that attitude while in the relationship, and after four years I finally woke up one day and realized that I had lost myself about three years ago; not realizing when and where I had gone.

I felt empty, hollow, useless, worthless, insignificant, like a maid or a slave, doing anything and everything I possibly could to make my partner happy, to have an an ounce of acceptance and approval. I felt like I was crazy, literally. I sometimes googled "How to know if you are insane."

After this day, I carefully examined our interactions, my behaviours, his behaviours, patterns, thoughts, feelings. I noticed how he would "casually joke and poke fun" at me in front of others, on a continuous basis. I noticed that no matter how much I tried to get close, he would push me away just as much. I noticed my intense fear of his anger, always walking on eggshells.

The only thing worse than staying was leaving. I would make and create problems to try and get affection, hoping that this serious problem would make him love me and nothing worked. I knew I was ruined, and I knew that my life was over. I knew I had to do something to make him leave me, so I did.

When he left me, I was a disaster for over a year. Heck. I'm still a disaster. I attend therapy and support groups, I research C-PTSD, Narcism, emotional abuse, trust, relationships, I read non-stop and mostly, I am VERY self-aware. I don't think I will date for a long time, but I am okay with that. I don't know who I am anymore, and although I still think of him everyday, I don't think of him with hate or love. I think of him as the best lesson I have ever had—the lesson of loving yourself more than absolutely anything, because this is a narcissist's biggest fear.