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Sleepless Night

My Tonight Fight with Insomnia

By Tim LawsonPublished 6 years ago 3 min read
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The Moon and Venus on a Cold Cloudy Night in Glen Etive in Scotland

I know I'm not alone in this struggle that consumes me randomly, this struggle to find sleep. I know it exists and I know that I should be tired after the long day being up and working hard and yet I seem to be more willing to fight sleep than to submit to it.

Mind you, I would certainly rather submit to the quieter realm and hopefully awake a bit more rested and ready to tackle the horrors that await me at work tomorrow. Instead, I sit here typing away because I can't seem to shut up my brain long enough to pass out. Who knows, maybe this will drain my mental energy somewhat and give me a fighting chance to rest some tonight.

I wish that I could say that this only happened once in a great while but I can't. I also cannot say what will cure it other than getting up and wearing myself out mentally until I can rest for a few hours before the next day. I've tried warm milk, whisky, coffee, decaf, tea, food, exercise, work, and the list keeps on going. About the only thing that is constant is that if I try a large amount of things, I will eventually get tired enough to rest.

The thing that bothers me about it all is not so much the not sleeping, it's the things my mind starts moving to. I start off just thinking about random things because, well because it's me. After a little while though, my brain shifts into overdrive and I start thinking about almost everything. It isn't normally too bad at first, but then I begin thinking about all the things that stress me out and I know I need to get up and get my mind on something else.

I wish I could ask for help with my thoughts when this happens, but the truth is that I just need to confront it myself. I need to face what it is that's bothering me and find a way to shoot it in the foot so I can move on, remind myself that the world will move on no matter what happens in life.

We often think that certain things will cause so much pain and suffering in life and as a result we let it affect us in ways that aren't necessarily healthy, like not sleeping and running for a day at work on about three hours or less sleep. Truth of the matter is that in the big scheme of our lives, we are more important than anything out there.

Sounds narcissistic, right? I don't think so, I have put a lot of thought into this, so much in fact that it led me to a divorce which I swore I would never do. Sounds narcissistic and cruel now, doesn't it? Well I reached a point in my life where I was simply on auto-pilot and let life, including those closest to me, beat me down. I saw so many warning signs and I tried so many times to ask for help in my own ways and yet nothing got better.

When things just keep beating us into submission so much so that we begin seeing only a very selfish way out by ending it all... what do we do? Do we let the beatings continue until we can take it no more, or do we make a painful decision to make a move to improve ourselves and as a result come out better for those we care about most? I'm not by any means trying to justify divorce, separation, or whatever serious decision as a primary option. What I'm trying to convey is that sometimes we need to be a little selfish in order to take care of ourselves or we might find that at some point it's all too much.

Slowly I'm moving forward and improving myself to be better for me, my partner, my son, and everyone around me. I'm always going to be a work in progress. I mean, we are talking about me after all. That all being said, maybe I can get back to sleep and glean what few hours I have before I have to get up and deal with the stressors that are all around at work. Random little chat tonight, but it helped just typing things out and calming yet another portion of my brain in an effort to get back to sleep.

Until next time... Tot ziens en goedenacht (Goodbye and Goodnight) ;)

coping
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About the Creator

Tim Lawson

There isn't much to tell about me. Well, there is a ton to tell about me. I don't know how to put it into words without writing a book, or not telling enough of the story. So, I'll just leave it at that & let my writing tell the story.

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