There is so much that you want to do to just get rid of it. It's a sickness that you would do anything for just to diminish it or calm it down for awhile.
Weed
I would smoke to erase the feeling of sadness and numbness. To receive just pure joy and the deepest relaxation that one could feel. When I tell you, it would relieve the destruction that would occur in the depths of my brain, I couldn't believe it. But guess what? It stopped working. When it stopped I would feel the pain and torture in immense detail that it completely destroyed me internally. The monster was still not satisfied.
Sex
I only had two boyfriends before I went off to college. My mother forbid the idea of going over a boy's house or him coming over our house. So your girl had to get very creative and I would have sex at public places. Very classy. I know. Being mischievous and spontaneous fed the beast. It would keep me full for awhile until I broke up with my first boyfriend. He was the love of my life. The beast grew steadily as I was mourning the loss of my boyfriend. The loss of my lover. The loss of my best friend. The loss of the one that kept my monster fed. The second boyfriend was a rebound and I tried to feed the beast through sex. And you wanna know what happened? The guy couldn't even get it up. Hilarious, right? So the monster inside would scream and whisper so many dark things to me. Didn't know what to do with myself. But I tried this tactic again when I did go off to college. The guys. Man... the guys. Luckily I kept my studies up but at night I would feed the beast within. Trying to receive satisfaction and pleasure to release the emptiness I felt within. It kept him fed. And then it stopped. It didn't work anymore. I felt no real connection with the person and I started to not feel any pleasure nor any feeling. Just the numbness. Pain. Left me speechless and disappointed yet again, knowing that I couldn't keep it fed for no more than a week, then a few days and finally, not at all.
Partying
The parties at college were so much fun. In high school, I was never a real party person. But in college, it was a totally different story. The alcohol and music that would play while being high off my ass, made the monster turn nonexistent. It was an elevated high that I would always try to achieve because I was the most free, happiest, energized, flirtatious and charismatic person you could meet. I felt, for once, that I was my true authentic self without trying to pretend that I was her. As the second semester came around, I didn't go to many parties and that's when I could feel the claws start to tear through again. The heaviness of the darkness going through me and around me. The negative thoughts slicing through the other thoughts to be first. So overwhelming I wanted to be pushed off a clip that would lead to an unknown dimension. It. Wasn't. Fed.
I say all this to say that... You know what, there is light at the end of the tunnel. This is an ongoing battle that I will continue to fight. Sometimes I will lose and sometimes I'll win. I want to be here, alive, to know that there is still another day to win and defeat this illusion called Depression. I will continue to use positive solutions to defeat this monster even if it's for a second. And if it comes back, I can live with the fact that I felt happiness for a brief moment and I will live only for those moments no matter how dark it gets. I just hope... that this sickness won't take over to the point that there is no more fight left. I have to live with that fact that this beast within will never be full.
About the Creator
Tara x
Slave to Love & Writing
Hidden Costs and Lasting Shame of Financial Abuse
I’ve always been responsible with my money. I have a job that pays decently, although (like many in our inflated economy) I should definitely be making more for what I do. I regularly check my credit score. I don’t eat out much, nor do I spend frivolously on non-essentials.
By Veronica Wren23 days ago in Psyche
The secret journey to regaining emotional stability
Do you feel that the anxious and avoidant types both seem to be strong and independent, but in fact they are sensitive and fragile. They often fall into emotions because of small things and start to be anxious and avoidant? If anxious and avoidant types want to change these, what they actually need is to compensate for their missing parts and heal their injured parts. In this issue, we will teach the avoidant and anxious types how to cultivate themselves again, making their emotions more stable, more rational in relationships, and at the same time gaining the ability to actively output emotional value. If anxious and avoidant types want to overcome the sensitive and fragile parts of themselves and obtain stable emotions, they need not only cognitive adjustments, but also need to heal the traumatized parts of themselves and compensate for the regretful parts of themselves. For example, the regret of the avoidant type is that they have not been paid serious attention to and have never truly rebelled. Therefore, the avoidant type will not fight for their own needs in many situations, resulting in uncomfortable situations and relationships, and they are always running away and wandering. The trauma of the anxious type is that they are trapped in unstable relationships and have been hurt by the instability in intimate relationships. The slightest fluctuation will make the anxious type feel nervous and anxious. Therefore, anxious and avoidant types are inherently fragile, sensitive, and unstable. In summary, these reasons are that something is missing during the growth stage, or they have suffered some trauma, so if you want to solve these problems, this is the time. Compensate when you need to compensate, heal when you need to heal, exercise when you need to exercise, just treat yourself as a child and raise yourself again. If the avoidant and anxious types re-train themselves, what kind of growth can they gain? First of all, emotions will become more and more stable. For example, you can be aware of your emotions at the first time, avoid emotions from affecting your thoughts and judgments, and learn to regulate your emotions. Secondly, you can truly understand yourself and know your real needs and fears. In the process of re-nurturing yourself, you can clearly understand your needs and fears, that is, you can know why you are attracted to a certain person, why you behave like this, and then you can better understand what you need.
By angelababyabout 24 hours ago in Psyche
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