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Social Anxiety, My Experience

Dealing with social anxiety can be painful. This is my experience.

By Carol TownendPublished 5 years ago 3 min read
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Photo by Camille Orgel on Unsplash

Social Anxiety and PTSD

I went out recently with family. I thought I was over my fear of crowds until we headed into town which was crowded. I was nervous, fearful, panicking, and shaking. Everytime I walked through the crowd of people in town, it felt like they were rushing at me, leaving me feeling spaced out and scared. I feared I was going to be attacked. There was no logic in my fear, because I know I am safe where I live. My feelings come from the past, because in the past I was attacked in my home, and in town.

These are feelings that I deal with everyday, sometimes to a point where I can't breathe. They do not only occur outdoors but indoors, too. I cannot settle until I know my doors and windows are locked, and even if I am sure, I have to re-check repeatedly just to be certain.

Next year, there is an Olly Murs concert taking place in my town. I am a massive fan of Olly Murs, and I really want to go, but I am really anxious because I know the crowd is going to be enormous, and I feel embarrassed incase I have an anxiety attack. It is not just the anxiety attack I am worried about, it is also because I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which is often triggered by an anxiety attack. I want to go desperately, as I love his songs and television personality, and it would be good to see him live on stage. People have offered to go with me, but my mind tells me "yes" then "no" constantly.

I have a big dream of being a singer. I sang as a child, in choirs and shows at school and along with all my favourite songs. I started training but my anxiety became so bad, I dropped out. I am thinking about going back, because it has been my big dream since childhood, but it is very hard finding anyone to train with who understands anxiety, and I'm not too sure about performing in front of people on a stage either. People say I sing well. I have potential to train, but most of the time my confidence gets knocked back by the butterflies in my stomach, the shaking, and the fact that controlling my nerves is very difficult.

The reality is social anxiety is not just a fear of being sociable. It interferes with daily life, work, and can be very painful for the family and the sufferer to deal with. At the moment, I'm at a stage where I am waiting for help to deal with it, but I'm also at a stage wondering if there is anything I can do, because finding work for someone like me is very hard, which is why I started writing.

At first I was ashamed of it, and as result, I was masking my problem by making myself uncomfortable doing things I really couldn't face, like going out when I felt uncomfortable with it. I do love the outdoors, but facing a crowd can trigger an attack which makes me feel really low, depressed and bad about myself.

I am nervous about going back to therapy, as I have had therapy for a variety of mental health problems before, and on one occasion, I was unfairly discharged because I was being physically sick all day and put on antibiotics by my doctor. The receptionist at the place where I did my therapy told me not to attend for 48 hours until the sickness cleared. I did this, and I was unfairly discharged.

I watch the X-factor, often wishing it was me in the spotlight performing. I am 42-years-old and feeling very unsatisfied with the blocks that my mental health has put in the way of achieving my dreams. My only real hope is that this new therapy helps me in a way that helps me reach my goal, which has always been to sing.

anxiety
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About the Creator

Carol Townend

Fiction, Horror, Sex, Love, Mental Health, Children's fiction and more. You'll find many stories in my profile. I don't believe in sticking with one Niche! I write, but I also read a lot too.

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