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Some of My Problems

What I believed went the wrong way

By yukPublished 5 years ago 5 min read
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If I understood the things I understand now from five years ago, I believe I would be in a different place, but now that I am here, I wonder where I will be in five years? From being a kid to now, in one of Alaska’s villages, I never did understand some of the things I had problems with, my parents didn’t understand because they understood the church, the nature around the village, food to prepare, jobs, and more or less, the western world. I wasn’t any different from them. They had taught me about church, hunting and gathering, and I was learning from school. Learning the culture we have in AK, and the history of America and praying. In between the only events that go on, I grew like anybody in the village would, playing with everybody around the village.

I was exposed to the western world when I started going to school, watching TV, and started joining Instagram, Vine, YouTube, and any other media where people would show that I was not living their life. I was still developing so it did have an effect on my mindset. My expectations from my world had changed, I wanted a life like the people on the screen, a life like the stories I’ve read. I wanted to be an average American so bad. I wasn’t an adult yet so all I understood was that I didn’t want to be who I really am. Because my home did not look like a city, no cars, no mall, nothing exciting to me... I didn’t like where I was living. I didn’t appreciate it. So I did one thing that I did learn before all of that... I prayed for a life like the people on screen.

Believing that prayers are mostly answered, I was hoping that mine would. Nothing... I was not growing, I watched the screen all the time. Escaping my world and watching the life I wanted. A huge part of my life was wasted by watching the screen. It was an obsession for about few years in high school. I got so addicted to watching the screen that I barely hung out with friends. I got more insecure over things I didn’t have. No one really cared about what I had and didn’t have, except me. I didn’t want to look dumb and I showed my fear more, I avoided getting friends. I was quiet and always looking at my screen. And then I gave up social media with my name. I’m mostly anonymous and I enjoyed that big time.

I realized I had some sort of problem, but I didn’t know how to recognize it—I didn’t know what the hell my problem was. I lacked consciousness and purpose. I blamed my parents, grandparents, and those before me to feel better about it. “It’s in the DNA.” Nope.

It was fear and ego, built for years. Blocking my emotions I didn’t wanna expose. All those times I kept my tears in, I filled up a cup I was holding forever. Thinking that I’m in control of my life. Isolating myself to avoid the emotions I feared, and that meant I was alone most of the time. Enjoying it.

I was so mean around other people. I refused to be in front of anybody crying, I refused to be around people who were emotional because I didn’t wanna feel that way. I escaped those times because I didn’t want to be around it. I didn’t realize this was going on in me because I didn’t understand it. That led me to not helping anybody when they’re emotional, because I was holding my emotions back, and I didn’t want to let it out because there was nothing to be cry about; I was avoiding it. I didn’t know how to express myself, because who teaches you how to express yourself here? No one told me how to recognize a problem from the inside.

My parents didn’t teach me, they told me to give it all to god. The church tells you to trust god. If I did try to express my emotions to anybody, it was too hard, because my ego told me not to, it’s embarrassing. Fuck you, ego. I didn’t trust myself because of my own fear. I was in a cave for a long time asking myself what’s wrong. Not understanding it at all.

I prayed, I asked God to lead me. I googled how to find myself. Then that was it. I read every article about how to let go, and then I spilled that cup, confronted the thought that wasn’t good. I meditated and I practiced how to love myself. I can’t believe I let my ego and fear control me, it was built so high, it’s taking time to tear it down. I stopped believing that I need a life like those people on screen. It feels good to finally know how to recognize it. I’m truly sorry for those who saw me when I was mean. I had no purpose and it’s depressing, and that was who you knew for a long time.I’m still learning who I am, I meditate and I write. I tell my body, my emotions, my insecurities that I love them no matter what, because they are me. The practice is the journey. It took time for me to get here. It feels so good. That is loving yourself, finally.

Thank you lord, thank you for leading me to this. And thanks to the internet for answers. I have been using it the wrong way for a long time. I’m back to reality.

coping
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yuk

secret stories

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