Someone Saved My Life Tonight

I just completed a 12 hour shift. I'm tired. I'm aggravated... It's cold outside... I'm exhausted, and now the key to the back door of my apartment is stuck, and the door won't un-lock. What do I do? Out of frustration, I started kicking the shit out of the bottom of the door, cursing at the same time, while still wiggling the only key I own out of the key-hole. I don't have a spare, because I lost it at work, and was too lazy to go to a locksmith to have a duplicate made. Once the lock unjammed, and the door opened, I entered my apartment even more aggravated than ever. I removed my department-issued gun, and placed it on the end table inside the living room like I always do. I went inside the bathroom to towel myself off from standing in the rain, when briefly, looked in the mirror and saw that my eyes were blood shot.

They got that way because of all the crying I was doing inside my car after leaving work. Why was I crying? Because my life was spiraling out of control. Taking the loss of my friend and once-partner Kenny on 9.11.01 was getting harder each day. Between my marriage falling apart, and dealing with these endless funerals and memorials services for our fellow Police Officers back to back, it finally had taken its toll on me. I walked back into the living room, closed the drapes, put South Park on, as I do every morning, and fell asleep on the couch. It was my one night off, so I woke up pretty late that day. I didn't feel like doing anything. I wasn't motivated to do anything. I felt mentally exhausted. That feeling was getting stronger as each hour passed. The pain of being alone, my broken marriage, and the depression was getting to be too much for me to deal with. I had to end this pain. I needed to stop it. I saw no way out. There was only one thing left to do... I would take my Life.

I got off the couch and walked over to the 8x10 photo above the TV set of my beautiful daughters, and removed it from the wall. As tears started to flow down my face, I walked over to the end table between the couch and love seat, and removed my gun from its holster. I didn't want to traumatize Titan Falls Police Officers, and any first responders when they showed up at my apartment only to find my body inside the tub curled up in a fetus position soaking in my own blood with my brains blown out all over the shower walls. So I turned on the water and placed my head underneath, while clutching the photo of my daughters over my heart with my left hand, and gripping my gun with my right and placed it in my mouth. With my finger pressing on the trigger, I let out what seem to be an endless scream that didn't feel or sound like it was coming from me.

That very second, I removed the gun from out of my mouth and just laid there, crying as hard as a human can cry while calling myself a coward. Feeling weak and exhausted, I crawled out of the bath tub and back into the living room where I called the only person I could think of... The woman who's heart I have broken... my Wife. She rushed over to my place to comfort me on the love seat, holding me in her arms and crying as well. I remember telling her how sorry I was... I remember telling her that I didn't want to be alone anymore... I told my wife how much I truly loved her and missed my girls... I wanted to come home.

Visit my Blog.