Sometimes I Wish I Was Normal

High school sucks! I know, I know I sound like a kid who hates school because I'm lazy. Fact is I'm not, I hate school for a completely different reason.

I have social anxiety. I was diagnosed January of this year. I take medicine for it, but that only helps me a little. It doesn't take away the never-ending fear of embarrassing myself, or the constant overthinking of every sentence that leaves my lips.

Every step I take through the school hallways feels forced. I don't want to, but I feel like a robot. I don't talk and I keep my head down. I don't talk because I don't want to say the wrong thing, or sound like and idiot. I keep my head down because making eye contact is one of the many things that scares me. There feels like there is this weight on my chest and it is making if hard to breathe.

I have this fear of talking. Can you imagine, I literally am afraid to speak. Adult always whisper around me, "She'll never make it in the real world" or "She should stop faking this stupid illness" or "I wish she was like a normal teenager." Words I'm sure they would never say to my face, but it hurts nonetheless. Trust me, I wish I was "normal" too.

Like I had to go to the bathroom at school, but I had just went in my last class. There is a girl that was in my last class as well as this one. Oh no, if I go she will think there is something wrong with me. No one ever goes to the bathroom that much. Oh and what if I take too long. Don't even get me started on how many times I rehearsed "May I use the restroom please" in my head so I can ask the teacher.

It's just this never-ending spiral. I am completely okay around a few people that I know. At home I'm a super cool, super badass teen. But in public, I'm constantly thinking 'Please no one talk to me' or I just want to go home. It always feels like people are staring at me, I can feel the weight of their judging eyes. Even though that isn't actually the case the fear is still there.

When I was younger I just passed this off as shyness. But shyness goes away, you eventually grow out of it. But my "shyness" only got worse. I always overanalyze things. Like I said, I take at least ten minutes reciting a sentence in my head before I actually say it.

I had to deal with my anxiety for years until I could convince my parents that I wasn't making this up. It sucks when even your own parents think you are faking this. That is years without help, years without medicine. Years of never actually knowing what was wrong with me, but knowing that no one believes me. Years of feeling out of place. Even now as I write about it, I feel short of breath or like my skin in crawling.

I have this fear when I'm in public. It's that people will know that I'm not "normal." I hate telling people about my anxiety because I don't want them to treat me differently. Even my best friend doesn't know. I have known her since I was four and I don't want to tell her because I'm afraid. I think people are always judging me. "Like why does she always flick that rubber and on her wrist. Is it just me or have you never heard her talk either. Doesn't she look like a scared animal trapped in a cage?"

Sometime I wish I was normal.