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I often find myself sitting in my computer room and staring at a blank screen. I know I have the talent, I know I have the ideas, but the various questions and self-doubt keep me from typing the words onto the screen. I've always been told that I'm not good enough, that I would never amount to anything. And for 36 years, I believed it. I took to heart all the negative comments, the doubtful comments, the hateful comments. It became a part of me. Procrastination is never a good thing. It took me years upon years of sitting on my couch and crying over why my life isn't going the way I want and not doing anything about it, to realizing that in order to go where I wanted to in life, I needed to get up and actually do something with my life, open the floodgates of my writing to start the healing process of the thoughts in my head.
I attend therapy every Wednesday; right now, my therapist and I are working on using "positive self-talk" and figuring out coping mechanisms to use when dealing with doubt and low self-esteem. I find that the place I thrive when I have these feelings that I'm not good enough or that everyone hates me is I go to write something. Whether it be a story or my thoughts, it lets me channel my frustration into something creative and a burden is lifted off my brain. I also play a lot of video games in my spare time, it helps me release anger and tension without hurting anyone. (The enemies are not so lucky though!)
Having depression and anxiety is like being trapped in a box, a glass box where it's soundproof and no matter how loud you scream and bang on the glass, people cannot hear you and they just walk on by, going about their day as if you weren't there. That's why I love my therapist so much she helps me to understand that mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of, my thoughts and my brain in itself just needs a little fine tuning.
I also couldn't have survived the last few years without my husband. He's been my rock, he's been there to listen to me complain and cry and not once has he showed any sign of annoyance or lack of interest. He's there to offer kind words and make me feel better when it feels like my head wants to bring me down.