Stuck on Stupid (Pt. 1)

[SEMESTER 1: SEPTEMBER]

Darian. For the record, I would just like to say, I never thought I would have ever been in love with somebody with a name like that. There's nothing wrong with it, but I just had always seen myself with more of a "Brandon," or maybe even a "Michael." I don't know. I'm just saying.

We met in AP Lang, senior year, and I completely hated you. I thought you were the most annoying person ever because I associated you with your best friend, Edmond. You guys never stopped talking, from day one, and I honestly have never seen two boys talk THAT much. Y'all were like two little girl best friends at a sleepover who had any and everything to say.

My first conversation with you was indirect because Kaicee Robinson would instigate and ask sex questions (per usual), and I remember Kaicee asking you if you would fuck me or Tori. Tori was my best friend—bisexual, 5'4" with blonde, curly hair, and at the time, was best friends with Kaicee also. Your response was, of course, yes, and I looked disgusted as you began to pull out your phone to proceed and show us how many sex tapes you had recorded of you and other girls, as if they were a trophy or proof that you get pussy because you and Kaicee always liked to argue and debate about if you ACTUALLY got any action.

Who cares. I didn't, but it was also kind of weirdly interesting to me. Though a turn off, nonetheless, it made me wonder constantly about you. Was there more to you? Maybe I wanted to low key get to know you more. What about those sex tapes made me want to get to know you more? Was I already envisioning you and I together... making one? Maybe so. I would not be surprised. Funny how I said I didn't care, but these thoughts were going through my head. A literal walking contradiction.

The next conversation I had with you would be the one that had me questioning if you were going to be my friend or enemy. It was almost like it was an award show in my head, where if you said the right thing then we could be friends. If not, well, you know what would happen. Enemies.

I had been walking around school very depressed, having multiple breakdowns in classes, I wasn't talking to anybody, and that made everybody go nuts. I was the kid that was always loud, yelling and telling jokes, so when I was quiet, it was like everybody had something to say. Everybody wanted to know what was I going through, what I was thinking, and what could make me so down? You (Darian), Edmond, and Juwon were all looking at me in class when I started to cry 20 minutes into the seventh period of the day. Mrs. Alcoser was doing a lecture/reading that day, so she wasn't particularly focused on me or our section of people, honestly.

All eyes were on me as I just told you all "nothing." I had to say that because I didn't think anybody would understand. My situation was definitely a unique one, where you had to be in it to get it. I didn't trust anyone with this information. It was my deepest darkest secret that I really didn't want anyone to know. It was scary, to say the least, and held one of the roads for instant judgement. So I kept it to myself until the end of class.

Class ended and I had to hurry up to grab your attention as you and Edmond were rushing down the hall, trying to get to your next and last class of the day. I pulled you to the side of the hall, with tears running down my face, and you could tell it was serious so you made sure not to say anything or make any sudden facial expressions. I was scared, so I didn't want to outright say what it was so I gave you hints. I told you:

"You play basketball with him, he has a black bag, and he's very big, he's 6'0" and I'm always with him in the hall," I said, just waiting for you to figure out who it was that had taken such a sacred thing from my body.

You instantly guessed who it was and I shook my head yes in agreement.

"Yoooo that is big wild. I can't believe that happened to you. I'm sorry kid."

Those were the words you said to me as you found out my deepest darkest secret.

I still don't know the actual reason I became addicted to you, but I like it. It's the feeling of relief that came with it, like... for some reason, I thought that I was going to be with you forever, you know how girls think once they get into relationships. We think ahead of time. Like... really ahead. And I thought we were going to be married. Once again, another walking contradiction, I know. I say that because, honestly, I had no intentions on being with you and I wasn't even attracted to you, but it was something about the way we clicked once I got out the mental hospital... that makes me wonder, though, was I really ever in love, or was I happy I wasn't alone anymore?