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Suicidal!

I am still here!

I’m a 26-year-old wife, daughter, and mother! AND I BATTLE SUICIDAL THOUGHTS! It's a constant battle in which some days I think I won’t see the next morning.  

When you think of someone who is having these thoughts, you think mostly of the self inflicting harm type. Although that is a common one, there are different types. For me, it’s the never ending thoughts of ending it... not even knowing why! I could be having the best day of my life and all of a sudden it switches in my mind to where I think... “Wouldn’t it be easier if you didn’t have to wake up? Not have to deal with everyday issues, people, drama.” 

Along with the thoughts, there is a never-ending old fashioned movie projector showing me how I could kill myself. Trust me, there are way too many ways. The film plays over and over until I get scared and have to remember what’s important in my life. When you are battling a mental illness, it’s not something people really share. I think it’s because it’s something a lot of people in the world don’t know how to act or respond to. I am blessed to have family and friends in my life who support me and are helping me through it! 

First off, my amazing rock: my husband.

He is legit three days older than me and never lets me forget it. We have been together for 9 years, married for 3 years, and we are high school sweethearts. There has never been another man and I am so blessed to be able to have my husband who is in my eyes a woman’s dream! He’s not only my partner in life but also my best friend! He knows how to handle my moments of doubt and knows all the different ways to make me feel loved in every way.

Second, my princess: my daughter.

She is only 3 but yet when you look into her eyes, there is an old soul staring back. Every day we have little routines. I couldn’t possibly imagine not being there for her, watching her grow up into the amazing woman I know she will become! Even though she gets on my nerves sometimes, there’s nothing I wouldn’t change. When the suicidal thoughts hit me, I look at my loving child whose love for me is so pure and innocent. I begin to cry, thinking, “how stupid am I to even think about putting her through such a tragedy, not having me there to help her through all the milestones in life.” She is my little angel who keeps me grounded! 

Third, an amazing woman: my mother.

You know when they say that when you're older, you will appreciate your parents more? That is so true on so many levels! My mom is battling thyroid cancer. Her meds are working but they have major side effects! Even though she has so many things going on in her life, she is always right there helping me overcome all of my issues as well! She watches my daughter while my husband and I are at work. We even live with her. We are a little village trying to raise a proper child who will one day do anything she sets her mind to. I always remind myself a mother should never have to bury her child! She makes me think logically and find answers to why I keep having the thoughts. 

All my coworkers and friends all help in one way or another! When I first started having thoughts, I kept them a secret, thinking I was crazy, over reacting, not worth the waste of time from anyone. But once you open up and really understand what is happening, you feel more in control. Telling someone for the first time has such mixed emotions that you don’t know whether to cry, laugh, scream, or end your life right now because you have just told your darkest secret. DON'T! 

I’m here to tell you that it does get better and it does take time. I see my therapist every two weeks. In between, I draw, work a full time job, surround myself with positive people, and try to help make the world a better place. It’s scary to have a mental illness and we don’t talk about it as much as we should! You are not alone! 

I AM HERE TO TELL YOU THAT IF YOU NEED HELP, TAKE A DEEP BREATH, THINK OF THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN YOUR LIFE WHO LOVES YOU UNCONDITIONALLY, AND TAKE THAT LEAP! It could be a relative, friend, boss, coworker, therapist, or even a stranger who knows what you're going through! My family, coworkers, friends, and therapist have saved me numerous times and I am reprogramming my state of health one step at a time. I suffer not just from suicidal thoughts but also OCD, anxiety, and panic attacks. My brain never shuts off. But I’m speaking out and telling my story because I believe in myself, and am not afraid to say that I have a mental illness and I am still standing tall. 

United, we can stand up and say WE ARE STILL HERE! 

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