Suicidal at Eleven Years Old

The human mind is truly the scariest thing of all.

After all, the human mind controls every single person on the planet. It controls our thoughts, actions, moods, dreams, morals... everything. The human mind controls the world, but most importantly, it controls your world. It can bring you joy, power, fulfillment, and inspiration, but it can also bring you loneliness, bitterness, anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts.

Unfortunately, too many of us understand what it means to be suicidal. Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States; approximately 45 thousand U.S. citizens commit suicide each year, and for every suicide committed, there are 25 others who have attempted suicide.

Here's my story:

I am not part of any of these statistics. I didn't attempt in any way, shape, or form, but I wanted to die for a long time. I thought about death a lot. I wondered who would miss me. I thought about who would be sad. I had never planned to kill myself. I would just sit alone, in my dark room, crying for hours, holding onto my teddy bear.

It started when I was 11 years old. I was in middle school, so, of course, there was a roller coaster of hormones and drama for everyone. I had some friends who weren't great to me in middle school. I was so depressed all the time at home, I overcompensated at school. I was always positive, loud, the happy friend, and I would always, always be there with advice for friends. A lot of my friends called me annoying and too happy behind my back throughout middle school. It only made things worse.

I had thought that my friends would at least be a little sad if I had died, but after discovering this, I didn't think they'd even care. I knew my parents would be sad, and I thought my siblings would be kind of sad, but I didn't think anyone would be devastated.

I wanted to die throughout middle school. I wasn't just being dramatic; I wanted to die. The only thing that ever knew how I really felt was my teddy bear. I didn't talk to a counselor, because I didn't even think that I needed to talk to someone. Nobody explained to me that if you think about dying every single day and how your family will be okay if you were to die, then you should go see a therapist or someone qualified to help you.

I was lucky enough to find a friend at the end of it all who talked to me about any and everything. I didn't feel alone anymore. I was still depressed, of course, but the suicidal thoughts had subsided.

If I'm being honest, that is the best friendship I have ever, and will ever have. That girl is still my best friend and I can tell her anything. I can tell her I want to die and she will actually hear me. I have done that, within this past year actually. I have never felt as suicidal as I did back then because of the friendship we have. She was exactly what I needed: someone to hear me.

Is the moral of the story to get yourself a friend as understanding and trustworthy as mine? No. I highly recommend you find a friend like mine, if at all possible, but not everyone is so lucky. My friend did not and will not cure me, nor will she stop my suicidal thoughts. You, my friend, need to find a way out of that hole. The human mind is a powerful thing, we need to use it to our advantage and not let it destroy us.

Go see that therapist, school counselor, online therapist, best friend who will listen, etc. and talk to them. Get that prescribed medication if you need it. Find those inspirational quotes that sound so cheesy it's embarrassing and save them all on your phone or in your journal. Find some healthy coping mechanisms, talk to that terrible voice inside your head and tell it to go back to hell, find different friends, find God, or find a cute little puppy or kitten that light up your world. I don't know what you've been through, do whatever it is that you need to do, but don't you dare pull that trigger. I don't care what you've done, who you've hurt, or what you think you deserve, I am here to tell you that you deserve happiness.

If you are, or have been, feeling suicidal and need help call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255.

And if you're the friend who knows someone who is hurting, or even if you don't know if they are, you be there for them, and you love them like they need you to. Ask them if they are happy, ask them if they are hurting, ask them if they need a hug or a friend, and be there for them. That's all you can do.