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Suicidal Ideation

How It Feels to Live When You Hate Living

By Chris AlvisPublished 6 years ago 4 min read
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Alarm goes off, you hate the sound. You sink deeper into the bed. You didn’t even want to go to sleep last night and now you suddenly don’t want to get out.. you roll your eyes at yourself for this and get up. It’s cold, you hate the feeling. You go to the bathroom and turn on the light, it’s shockingly bright and you hate it. You dislike the very act of using the toilet. You hate the sound of the toilet paper and the feel of it against your skin between your legs. You pull up your underwear, it never seems to fit quite right. Then your pants. You turn and flush the toilet. You hate the noise. You hate that you don’t know where this goes and that piss is mostly ammonia so you probably just killed a fish. You turn on the sink, hating that even going to the bathroom is such a long to do list, you wash your hands and rinse. Turn off the sink and get a towel to dry your hands, they can never seem to get all the way dry before it’s uncomfortable you’ve been attempting long enough.

To the closet, none of your clothes seem to suit you in quite the way you’d like. Every individual item in the closet is desirable, but none of them seem to form a complete outfit. Not one you feel like anyway. You hate that you have to do all of these things everyday. You laugh, audibly, really loud.. because you’re not even doing anything difficult for a normal human being and you know that. Realizing you’re not making up your mind, you decide not to waste time and start on your hair, teeth, etc., while you try to decide what to wear. You hate how small in circumference toothbrushes are. You hate the taste of toothpaste and the foamy feeling in your mouth. You wonder what the point is.. ideally, you wouldn’t live long enough to even live with the consequences of not brushing (this is why you often skip this entirely, but today you have a meeting). Brushing your teeth makes you cringe and gag. You rinse your mouth out immediately. You hate water on your face, you wipe it off. You avoid eye contact with yourself in the mirror because you never recognize yourself.. it’s a stranger in there. You feel absolutely no connection to that person. Not love nor hate, simply empty.

You get dressed but it takes three or four tries to get it right and you’re still not 100 percent satisfied with it. The clothes you didn’t wear are still on the floor and will piss you off later. You’re still pulling and squirming in your clothes.. constantly, mildly uncomfortable.

The whole time you’re doing your makeup you’re wondering why everyone made this the norm for women.

You make a coffee, quadruple check that you have everything you need. Feed the cat. Lock up and go.

Approaching your vehicle, you unlock it. It’s not nice but it’s not bad at all either. Not the color you would have picked, the tire pressure light is always on even though your tires have the correct PSI according to the manual.. you head to work and chainsmoke cigarettes the whole way there. Traffic is built up, there are many homeless people as you go through the city. You hate the way the world works. You want to know what it’d be like to drive off a bridge but you don’t want to ruin someone else’s day. You pass run down places and luxurious stores and spas. You suddenly want to explore or try something new but that small burst of joy is ruined by the price or the date of the event or because it’s just not the logical thing to do. You can’t travel if you can’t afford to miss work. Work.. you’re almost there and you haven’t rehearsed the presentation for the meeting. Light another cigarette. You’re still a few minuets away so you go through it real quick in your head.

Take your last drag and pull into the parking lot. Turn your music down.

Spray down with perfume. Apply hand sanitizer. It stings cause you’ve bitten your nails down to the quick over the last few days.

You arrive and you smile for the first time that day. Immediately, you’re uncomfortable with this but you feel the emptiness in your stomach flip like a pancake. Your game face is on and no one ever knows how much you hate the very act of living. Every minor inconvenience makes you immediately wish you could simply check “Opt Out” on a form for life itself as a concept. You hate waking up everyday, hate going to sleep. You hate how light bulbs burn out, how you need an occasional haircut. All the things you enjoy you can’t enjoy fully.. like you’re a dancer who can’t choreograph.

You take a deep breath and totally nail your presentation.

No one knows.

anxiety
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About the Creator

Chris Alvis

26 years old from Houston, TX

Partner, Mom, Financial Coach, CBD oil Distributor, and freelance Artist/Writer.

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