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Suicidal Thoughts

You are not alone.

By Amanda DamicoPublished 6 years ago 2 min read
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I want to talk about suicidal thoughts. I think they are serious and soul crushing. I’ve never had such strong suicidal thoughts the way I’ve had this year. It’s been the worst by far; let me explain why. Every morning I wake up and I literally just feel lifeless. Throughout my entire day, I imagine it, and I see it in my head. Every scenario I could ever run into and how it could hurt or kill me. For example, I’d be at work carrying dirty plates and seeing a knife sticking towards me; I'd think, “what if someone ran into me and it penetrates right through me?” I then imagine the scenario actually happen, and sadly, it makes me smile.

EVERY MORNING I WAKE UP AND I LITERALLY JUST FEEL LIFELESS.

When I’m driving what if I just drive off the bridge? What would happen? How would that feel? I again imagine it in my head. Every little thing I do I always turn it towards death. Why? I’m not sure yet, but I do know that there are other that feel like I do. Think about it, have you ever thought about freak accidents? Like the movie Final Destination, didn’t that make you more aware? Well, it did for me.

I know I’m not very healthy, but to be honest, I have started to accept it, embrace it, help others cope with it. It’s not easy to just stop, especially when life just fucks you from left to right. It makes you happy then takes it away. Life has made a fighter. I’ve been in battle my entire life, which has also made me the strongest person I know. Embrace and love who you are no matter how screwed up you are. Don’t forget, I am also the most broken person I know, but the point is I haven’t given up just yet. Just because you think about suicide doesn’t make you a weak or bad person. It may just be the very thing you need to regain your strength that started slipping away from you. Everybody copes in different ways, but in the end, it’s all about how you get yourself through the situation. Sometimes you’ll become stronger than you could ever realize.

I FIGHT WITH EVERY OUNCE OF STRENGTH I HAVE EVERY… SINGLE… DAY.

You’ll never know until you face the battle face to face. Fight for your life, right? Isn’t that pretty much what everyone is doing here? Life has never been rainbows and butterflies. We work our asses off. For me, personally, I can’t even put into words how hard it is for me to get through each day. I never had such an intense daily struggle. I just want it all to stop. I’m overly exhausted. But I get through it, I fight with every ounce of strength I have… Every… Single… Day.

That my friends, is why I’m the sleepiest girl you’ll ever meet. The battlefield is one hell of a war.

humanity
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