Suicidal Thoughts

It's 0038, I can't sleep, and I know why. I've avoided writing this because I like to think of myself as strong but not so long ago, I found myself at my weakest point. This topic overwhelms me and I'll be honest, I am in tears right now as I write, but here we go...

I never seriously considered taking my own life until September 2017, which was the month my depression was at its worst. I had not been out of my room for days, I had missed class, and I was avoiding my friends and my phone. I didn't know what was wrong with me and I honestly don't remember too many details. I do remember feeling done... done with being alive and because nothing traumatic had happened, I didn't even think I was depressed. I just felt broken.

(Wow, this is hard to write, but I need to sleep and I know I won't until I'm done.)

So I was stuck in my room, not showering, not eating, not sleeping. Then there was a bottle of aspirin next to my bed. And that was the first time I ever seriously thought about it. I distracted myself with a show but kept looking at it. I opened it... then my common sense kicked in. What if this isn't enough to kill me? So I closed it and moved it into the cupboard behind the mirror in my bathroom.

Fast forward to October. I'm staying with my sister-in-law's parents. They were so amazing and I would not be in the place I'm in right now without them... but the thoughts were still there. My brother and his wife had packed up everything in my dorm room for me because my depression had paralyzed me. So I dug through all my stuff, partly because I wanted to tidy up, and also because I was looking for that bottle. I even Googled how much I would need to make sure I die (it's amazing what you will find on the internet). But unbeknownst to me, they hadn't opened that cupboard and hadn't packed the darn bottle.

(Deep breaths... This is hard.)

So I thought of another way. The house is in the country and close to a main road. As I watched the cars zoom by, I thought about opening the window and running out there, hiding in the bush then running onto the road in time for a car to run me over. The window wouldn't open... It was stuck. And in that moment, I started to cry just as hard as I am crying right now.

I don't know if you believe in a God. I am a Christian but I hadn't been an active one for a long time. But I kid you not, I felt Him say, "I love you, it's not your time, and if you keep looking for a way to do this, YOU WILL NOT SUCCEED."

Me being the stubborn person I am, I still wanted to. I went to my brother and his wife's place to visit. He let me drive to go get baking ingredients and I was going to buy as many aspirins as was legal at Randall's. But... my nieces insisted on coming (God stop it!). The eldest dropped milk by the fridges and I couldn't find someone to come clean it up so I told them to stay there as I walked down the aisle looking for help (keeping them in my line of sight, though) and then somehow I found myself staring at pills. But I didn't feel like it! I did not feel like it! This was so big for me and anyone who was around me knows that after that trip I was different and I have not thought about ending my life since then.

As I write this part, "I Surrender" by Hillsong just started playing. And surrendering to Him is what I've done. I'm sorry if you don't share the same religious views as me but this is what honestly saved my life.

But if you know me, you are probably surprised by this. I do a pretty good job at hiding my feelings. I'm getting better at sharing though and this is the platform I am using to do so.

I almost killed myself. I just said that out loud and I can't believe it. This just goes to show how weak the human mind is, or how weak your mind can become. Without this experience, though, I wouldn't be as strong as I am now. I am stronger than I have ever been—well mentally LOL not physically, as my body has suffered from my extended holiday of a few months since I had to take a semester off. And I need to wrap this up since it is 0104 and I'm at school.

I thought I would be embarrassed by sharing this, but if this can help one person, if it can help those close to me get a clearer picture of what's been going on, then it's worth it.

If anyone is going through this, remember you do have a purpose, you are loved by someone, you are probably like me—that is, a mess—but you're a freaking beautiful mess. DO NOT GIVE UP. THERE IS HOPE AND IT GETS BETTER.