Suicide Survivor

So, my kids' dad and I split up almost a year ago. We were having issues for quite some time, he says that it was before I even got pregnant that they started. After I had the twins it became worse and worse. I was constantly home with the kids alone while he was out working or doing his kickboxing. My mother in law would come and help me as much as she could. When we split I pretty much went into a downward spiral. We had voluntarily signed custody over to his parents while we figure ourselves out because neither of us were financially or mentally capable of being full time single parents doing it all on our own.

After I had a falling out with him, he took me to the hospital because I tried to kill myself. They prescribed me some medication and counselling which seemed to help a bit, but after a while it stopped working. We stopped communicating which led to another hospital trip, this time accompanied by my dad and stepmother. I was then transferred to another hospital and held under 72 hour watch. They changed my dosage and held me until my stepmom came and signed me out. A third time, I tried overdosing on my medication because honestly I felt hopeless. I don't know exactly how many I took but I got myself into the ER and was coherent enough to not need my stomach pumped, but I was put on a heart monitor as I may have endangered my heart muscles. Again, I saw a counsellor; that didn't help me much. I finally got into my old doctor and he tried upping my dosage one last time and give me something to help me sleep, and so far the antidepressants have been working. I've had one last suicidal ideation and I put myself straight into the emergency room before I did anything reckless or that I would later regret.

Now, unfortunately my ex may or may not have an idea of what I have put myself through because he literally shattered me into a million pieces when he broke up with me. I have spent months trying to put myself back together again, this time without him. I can honestly say that I feel content with my mental health, my relationship status, I am confident in my parenting even though it's different than his, and I am finally able to move past my suicidal ideation. I no longer fear that I am a danger to myself or my children, I feel good about myself mentally.

Mind you, I miss my ex dearly; he is the father of my kids, after all. But I no longer hold any grudges towards him, nor do I try to contact him. We see each other, I try my best to make sure not to bring up our past except to apologize to him for literally being a psycho baby mama. If I was to bring anything else up it would hurt me too much, maybe him as well. So our main focus is making sure that those babies are happy, well taken care of, and loved regardless of their parent's issues with one another (past, present, or future).

I myself have lost many friends in order to get myself healthy again because they were toxic for me. If they're toxic for me, they're toxic for my kids. Now, if you suspect your partner or someone else you love is having issues mentally or struggling with suicidal ideation, please don't try to brush it off. Help them. Help them help themselves because it's scary to feel that way about yourself.

I'm sorry this is all over the place, I've never done one of these before.