Surviving Suicide

This is a very raw, deep, and completely honest account of my progress from the time I received the call that James (my boyfriend of almost one year) killed himself. I will post two or three days at a time until I get to the present.

September 26, 2016

Today has been an up and down day... It’s setting in that he is never coming back. The pain, I honestly don’t know what the right word is, but it is like that feeling you get in the first seconds of getting hurt. That feeling you get in your stomach, right before the physical pain sets in.

I had to stop writing for a little while, my emotions overcame me. I started thinking about how bittersweet it is to go to the places that we went together. I have so many wonderful memories, and when each one of them happened, at that time I never dreamed we would be sitting here today talking about James taking his own life. Even the last time we were together, I still can't see us now. On Friday the 16th, when we talked he didn't seem like this is what he had planned. Yes, he did sound a little off but, he had just got home from the hospital and was still feeling the effects of the pain medicine that had given him... would it make us feel better if the autopsy showed that he did have cancer? Yes, and no: yes, because it would give us an answer as to why, no because we would gladly have him back and go through all this with him. So the bigger question is, who is being the most selfish, him or us? When I started this journey, I never dreamed that I would be asking myself that, because even if it wasn’t cancer and we could have gotten rid of the pain, how long would the pain have lasted? Then we have to ask ourselves, do we have the right to ask and expect them to agree with us. I personally have never thought about taking my own life. For me, it just doesn’t seem natural.

September 27, 2016

I honestly do not know where to start this morning... so many thoughts going through my mind. Feeling like this was my fault, broken about him not being here, so many things I want to do with and say to him. I feel so alone and lost without him, I use to think I was in the middle of a lake and I could see the shore, but every time I start heading to it, it would get farther away. Now I feel like I’m in the middle of an ocean, and I can't see anyone or anything. I need to find some way to come to terms with what happened, this last year has been so wonderful. A friend told me that he wanted to bust my bubble, this invisible shield that I put up around my heart and myself. He only put a hole in it, but James busted it wide open, and that is the main reason this hurts so much. James was my first true love, now I know some people will condemn me but I did love Joe (my estranged husband), but not like I did James. If James had died any other way, I could process it better, but because he chose to take his own life, I honestly do not know how to process.

I was sitting here, just thinking about our year together. It almost seems like I came into James’ life on the pinnacle or on the downhill ride of his mid-life crisis. I’m not sure of anything anymore. When I would call him on pulling away, he would step up and show me he cared.

I feel so conflicted; I loved him with all my heart. I am so lost without him, so broken. Then, a part of me needs to have mind-blowing sex. I need that type of release, but that is all. No talking, no sharing, just sex, with that being said, I honestly do not know how I would feel afterward. Would it feel like I was cheating, even though James’ is the one who removed himself from my life?