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Surviving Suicide—Part 5

The Things No One Talks About

By Stephanie BPublished 5 years ago 4 min read
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This is a very raw, deep and completely honest account of my progress from the time I received the call that James (my boyfriend of almost 1 year) killed himself. I will post 2 or 3 days at a time until I get to the present.

Written on October 8, 2016

September 18, 2016

Today my life shattered into a million pieces; it starts out as a normal day, the puppies are ready to get up and go walk. I send James a good morning, how are you feeling, text. He sends back, “Good Morning Beautiful, I’m feeling better…how are you and the pups? Miss you, Sexy.” That will be the last text I receive from him. I went through my day, knowing he was still on pain medicine and that he was just taking it easy or asleep. I know that it can take him a little while to answer my text, so I never thought about it.

Dre and Precious

The puppies and I were sitting in bed, and I get a call from a number I didn’t know, but it was a local number, so I let it go to voicemail. I checked the voicemail, and it was Lyndsay, James’ daughter.

She said, “Stephanie, this is Lyndsay, James’ daughter, I need you to call me, it’s an emergency.” I could tell by her voice, it was bad, just not, how bad it actually was.

I called her back, and she said, “He’s dead.”

I said, “What, do you mean he’s dead?”

She said, “He killed himself”

I said, “No, no, he can’t be, how?”

She said, “He shot himself.” Now from here I know we had a conversation about how I hadn’t heard from him since the morning and that I was actually waiting on my goodnight text, and about him shooting himself and that I thought it would be on the bike if he decided to kill himself, I don't remember everything we talked about but there are parts that will be branded in my mind, forever.

I sat here in shock; I’m not even sure how long. I remember not being to get a hold of Jeanette or Jessi at that moment. Much of that night, I honestly don’t remember. I just know, I keep saying it couldn’t be real. These things don’t happen in my life, to me.

The next couple of days, go by in a blur, then on the 20th, I was able to start the writing process. As I sit here writing this on October 8, 2016, there are times I feel that it can’t be true, that he’ll ride up and say “Surprise.” The reason I wrote this today is that this is the first day that I can truly think about that day and breakdown but get through it. Up until this point, if I thought about that day, I would break and couldn’t write.

September 20, 2016

Well, it’s the 2nd day since James killed himself. I have so many feelings, anger, and hurt, broken, relief, scare, and some I’m not even sure what they are. This is the first day I have been able to think clearly and to be able to write things down.

I know Jessi is grieving too and she has been a wonderful daughter. She has put her grief on hold to help me and for that, thank you!

I am thankful for Jeanette coming back into my life. If it weren’t for her, I would still be at the bottom of despair. The two others that could have helped have since passed.

I still have the, what if’s, should of, could of, would of’s…but, in the end, does it really matter as to why or could it have been stopped, he did it and all of us have to pick up the pieces and go on living.

I feel so lost, he was such a big part of my life for the last year.

I don’t know what he was thinking at the time he got the gun, put the clip in, and took the safety off…..the reason I feel it was this way is that he never kept the clip in it. I know in my heart that he knew there were no second chances like there was before. It’s so strange….I can picture him doing this… I can see it in my mind…. I can see him sitting on the steps…. I wonder in that split second if he had any regrets on pulling the trigger.

Amber and My Daughter

I’m scared about taking on the responsibly of Amber, but she is in the same boat as us. Her human daddy is no longer around. She didn’t ask for this either.

coping
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About the Creator

Stephanie B

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