Survivor?

TRIGGER WARNING: THIS STORY CONTAINS DETAILS OF A SEXUAL ENCOUNTER AND DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, WHICH MAY MAKE SOME FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE.

I was not planning on writing about this, at least not tonight. But there has been a turn of events that recently happened, and well, I'm triggered.

When I was very young, about 4-5, I was introduced to a world no child should ever enter. My cousin and I were at her dad's house. We liked going there, because he lived right next to the park, like literally across a non public road. We came inside from playing and my cousin went to the bathroom. When she came out she informed me that her Dad wanted to see me, and he was in the bathroom. I went in, and he was naked on the toilet. I'm not going through all of the details for two reasons.

1. I don't want to upset anyone
2. I have blacked most of it out.

Later that night I was at my Dad's apartment. I distinctly remember watching this whole scene from above, almost like a movie. An out of body experience. I told my Dad about what had happened, and he freaked out. Not at me, but I felt like he did. I felt like, at that moment, my dad didn't love me anymore. He told my Mom, and my Mom confronted everyone; my cousin's Mom and Dad. I was no longer allowed to go over there. Unfortunately that wasn't the case for my cousin.

I have dreams, but I'm never sure if that's what happened, or just something my mind makes up. I moan in my sleep. I've had multiple boyfriend's say it sounds like I'm scared. One actually made me feel really bad about never telling him about it, like I had cheated on him. My cousin and I almost ran away to Canada that night. No joke. Anyways, I digress, this wasn't my last forced sexual encounter.

You remember the boyfriend I mentioned? You know, like literally 5 seconds ago. The one with the bad temper and control issues? Yeah, first loves. They're the greatest! When you're young (ish), they mold you into the perfect partner. Right? Well, with this one we may have missed the mark. You see, I did everything he asked of me. I cooked, cleaned, worked, woke him up the same way every morning so it would be a good day, and it was never enough. I'd overcook things, and he couldn't eat, I was the worst. I'd do his laundry wrong, how was I raised? I worked too much without checking in, obviously cheating. Sex became a daily chore. He still cheated.

He also relapsed. Which made me go nuts. I'll admit, I'm a thrower. Anytime I'd find a bubble I'd lose my shit. I'd break it and put it back where I found it, then I'd get into trouble. I'd throw it at him, he'd throw me down. I eventually gave in and tried it. He never asked me to, but I thought it'd help our relationship. Good Lord, I was so stupid. It made everything a million times worse! Every time I'd clean, he'd redo it. If I went to work, he sat in the parking lot, with my phone and keys. I'd found out he was using my phone to talk to his other girlfriend, and I'd get a black eye or a fat lip. Drug addiction changed everything. I was basically captive. Not allowed to use my phone or see my friends. I had to give him my car and debit card. If he did leave me alone, I was being recorded on my phone. If I used it I got into trouble. He traded me one time for dope. Luckily the guy had a heart, and just smoked me out while I cried about my boyfriend pretty much selling me.

I can only imagine if that dealer wasn't nice like that. Maybe he just didn't want to do anything to a girl that was crying, I'm not sure. But all I know is, I'm one of the fortunate ones. Surprisingly, that's not when I left. But a few months later, he ditched me in a town I didn't know while taking my car. By the way, I stopped using drugs a few weeks later. I will have been six years clean on May second.

I'm kind of rambling. But my point is; I've gone through a lot. I've also tried everything in my power to not get into any situations like these ever again. Apparently I need to work on it.

A couple weeks ago, a cousin of mine (by marriage not blood) sent me a message on Facebook. We barely know each other, and haven't spoken since 2009. It seemed harmless, and like maybe he was drunk, so I responded to the innocent conversation. Until it started getting weird. Asking very specific questions about a really odd topic. To be blunt, it was about "ball busting," and if I was into it, or thought it was funny. I'm not and I didn't. He kept asking over and over again if he could send me a video. I stopped replying. He then hits me up again two days ago, on the same shit. I'm now being kinda rude about it, and telling him how I'm not interested. He sends the video anyways, and asks my opinion on it. It was literally just a Japanese woman bringing a guy down in a fight by grabbing his balls. Not very entertaining. Then he wants to send me pictures he's saved to show me, because apparently I'm into it now, and I say no and tell him I'm going to bed. I put him on ignore and forget. Well last night I go into my message requests, I was waiting for a message from a photographer, and I see that he's sent me FIVE NEW MESSAGES. Including one stating that he wants me to star in ball busting videos that he wants to make.

My alarms went OFF! My PTSD kicked into gear. Another family member wants me to do weird shit. It may not be sexual, but honestly based on the vibe I was getting, it seemed like it. I blocked him and went to writing. After I'd stopped shaking of course. I hate those shakes I can't control. The fact I can't trust anyone around me until I calm down. I hate the flashbacks! These things may not be related as much as I'm seeing it, but really the only opinion that matters in this case is mine.

Deep breathing and a little Imogen Heap usually do the trick. Just listen to "hide and seek" on repeat. Breathe in and out slowly. Try to get back into now, and get out of then. I try all of my therapists advice, and it actually starts to help. My first kind of successful come out.

This is not me looking for pity. This is real life. If anyone has PTSD or CPTSD due to sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse, war related or anything, please reach out. 70 percent of people in the United States have experienced some type of trauma at least once in their lifetime. That's equivalent to 223.4 million people. End the stigma. There are great groups on Facebook to reach out to. Where you can find like minded people. You don't have to participate, just like in NA (narcotics anonymous) you can just read and relate. You are not alone!