Take Care of Yourself

I don't know where my baseline is.

I have been alive for almost 30 years and I haven't really figured out who the person in the mirror is.

What I do know is that I have been in pain for a very long time. So from that line of reasoning, what I must be is a being constantly in pain. It's all I've really known and all I imagined that I would add up to.

For as long as I could remember I was sad, and not the my-ice-cream-fell-off-the-cone kind of sad. I mean the kind of foreboding loneliness and emptiness that many people can probably relate to nowadays.

And it's always been difficult for me to blame anything or anyone but myself for the misgivings and failures in my life because I was such an easy target. I know all of my buttons and weak spots so I knew exactly where and how to push to elicit horrendous reactions of despair out of myself. And this routine of breaking down and blaming myself became life to me. This is it, this is how life is supposed to be for me and well, if I have to drag myself through it, let me at least make other people happy before I get sick of myself.

That's actually another thing I think people have the potential to get wrong about suicide; we get so used to blaming this ill-perceived notion that everyone who does it either believes the world would be better off without them (selfishness) or that they cracked under pressures and the general weight of life (weakness) or maybe even both.

I've been told that people have a difficult time believing that I could be suffering from something so daunting as depression and anxiety because I smile way too often.

Well, my fellow neurotics, we all understand the intense cry for help that lies behind the smile of a sufferer, don't we?

And just because you have consoled me after a crying fit, it does not mean you have suddenly cured my depression or my anxiety.

You calmed it down. It's still there.

But do not think your consolations and coaxing are in vain. We will remember that, we will log your kindness in our memories for future reference, and when we pay those kindnesses back, you will be who we think of.

But the thing that has really made me want to rid the world of myself is the overwhelming, psychosis-provoking, ever haunting pain that comes with my mental illnesses.

Remember when you were a kid and you got infected with a cold, flu, or something that would've kicked your body's immune response into raising your body temperature? Fevers were like hell itself had set up shop in your entire body. Remember those aches and pains every time you moved? The sore throats and the endless sweating that seemed like it would never cease?

That's kind of what it's like, a low-grade fever that never completely goes away. My body hurt, most of the time, and I smiled through it for almost two decades.

I recently began Jordan B. Peterson's book 12 Rules for Life and it has been nothing short of enlightening. As a clinical practitioner, he outlines each of his rules with statistical data, philosophical readings, analogies, and witty metaphors and his own anecdotal experiences to show you how your current (or lack of) solutions are working for you and describes not only why you should consider changing them, but also how to be responsible for those decisions and own them.

One of the earlier chapters is about taking care of yourself. Which I know many of us don't do.

So you take care of other people or your pets or even complete strangers because somehow in your mind you are too wretched, you are not worthy, you are so undeserving of care and love that you become nothing more than a vessel to give the sacrifice of your care to someone more deserving and worthy than you.

But I want you to question that thought; what makes someone more deserving of love and care than you or anyone else? They are living the human experience just like you with all of its aches and pains. Do you have this idea in your head that they are somehow more worthy because they have a talent that you don't have or they have a ton of wealth while you squander paycheck to paycheck? Who has decided this hierarchy of worthiness in your mind?

You want to say society, human history, natural selection but you're only avoiding the truth because it's harsh and it hurts.

You.

You built that idea on the back of your depression, your loneliness, and your selective inadequacies.

You are worthy of love, you are worthy of the care that you so readily bestow upon others. And, newsflash, if you are barely in a position to provide care to yourself, how can you care for anyone else?

Put your own oxygen mask on first.

I know that sounds difficult. I'm writing this from a place in that dark, cold valley of unworthiness. This is me reaching out to grab you from the edge of the cliff but to also hold onto it. No one gets out if we both fall over.

So, some little things to get you started with the help of Dr. Peterson

1. Start a routine. Start small if you have to but make a schedule. Nothing is more terrifying than the unknown, so take a minute to start something regular and predictable.
2. Turn off your electronics and go to sleep. Sleeping is the body's natural recharging. You can only last a few days without it before the entire system malfunctions.
3. Eat regularly and well. Your body needs nourishment. It has no qualms turning on you when you abuse it. Feed it so you can think and process the way you were meant to. Feed it well. It wasn't meant to break down heavily processed and heavily salted/sugared foods.
4. While we're on that note, stay hydrated. You, like many others, are probably chronically dehydrated. Water regulates so many cycles in your body including digestion, sleep, hormone regulation, muscle form, and immune response. If you feel hungry or thirsty, chances are you're not drinking enough water.
5. Get outside. Your body needs sun, your brain needs sun. You need to feel the earth beneath your feet and breathe fresh, unfiltered oxygen. And while you're out there, get some exercise. Even thirty minutes of aerobic exercise is a good start.
6. Talk to someone—family, friend, counselor. Someone who will listen and not judge. Someone who will let you vent without saying a word and give you good advice if warranted. Write it down, paint it on the wall, just get it out so you don't curl up with it at night.
7. If the only thing you're capable of doing is getting out of bed to shower and change clothes, you've done something. You made a decision. Well done, because indecision is the enemy of progress.
8. Remember to own your story, it is what you have to offer the world. You bring something to the table that no one else can. So, write your story, be honest, if people want you to write nicely about them, they should be kinder.
9. Misery love company. If you aren't around people who are happy for you when things go well for you, you might want to consider who you want around you. And remember to be happy for your friends that do well too. Their success says nothing about you or your character. The comparison should be between who you were and who you want to become.
10. If you haven't heard it recently or you just need a reminder, I love you.