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Taking Back My Life

Screw anxiety.

You made me hate every single thing about myself and still you demanded more.

First and foremost, you absolutely suck, anxiety.

I don't know how you manage to do it, to creep your way into every single empty crevice you can find. But I resent you for it, for learning my every flaw, my every weakness, my every fear, for taking all of those things and exploiting them every single time you lurk and pick around in my brain. I resent you because nothing is mine anymore; not my thoughts, not my actions. Everyday is a never ending cycle, start to finish. It's always a fight with you; from the way I walk, to the way I talk, to keep my head low and eyes on the ground. I even fight you most of the time to simply get out of bed in the morning. Your little whispers in the back of my head always seem to turn to yells, yells that you can never silence, yells that constantly fill me with doubt, frustration, and anger, and most of the time; a full blown panic attack.

Somehow, anxiety, you've even managed to worm your way into the parts of me I thought were full, the parts of me I thought were happy. I know that even if I let my mind wander off for a sliver of a second, I'll fall right back into your trap, right back into the game you and your friends so mercilessly play. You know who I'm talking about right? Depression, the one always on my back questioning me time and time again, "Is this all really worth it?". Or Perfectionism, always right on cue shortly after, reminding me constantly of how I seem to royally screw everything up and that no matter how hard I try, it never seems to measure up exactly right.

There are days you've literally made me wish I didn't exist anymore, days I've wished I could run away and be forgotten and hide under a rock for the rest of forever. You've made me feel like I can't face people, like I can't face the world. Sometimes, like I can't even face my own family. As if, for some reason, I'm unworthy of sharing the same space or even the same air as them. You've taken so many friendships, so many relationships from me. You make every night a sleepless night, and no matter how hard I absolutely try, you just won't shut up. You've taken everything from me... my happiness, my peace, my faith; I swear, at one point, you took every single emotion out of my whole body. You took and took until I felt numb to everything and everyone, including myself.

You made me hate every single thing about myself, and still you demanded more.

You see, you took this light from inside me and dimmed it down to almost nothing, AND still you wanted more. And now here we are, writing this. Writing it down to let you know there's nothing left here for you to take, nothing left I'm willing to give you. No more: "I can't deal with this" or "this is too much." No more hiding my face, or my opinions, my goals, or my dreams. No more hiding you; no pushing you to the back of my brain, pretending you don't exist. No more "no, I can't today"s. No more isolation; from my family, from my friends, from my life. I'm stronger than you ever were, and I have been all along. You're just a coward hiding inside my head, and at least I have the balls to stand up and face you every. single. day.

Screw you.

Edited: sorry, this is a RANT. But, I just wanted to say, If YOU feel like this, please remember, you're NOT alone. Reach out!! to somebody, anybody. You're worth it, even when you don't think so. 

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