Taking The Hit

Have you ever met a person that is terribly good at pointing out your worst insecurities before you even notice you have them? Yeah well, I use to have a “friend” who literally had no filter and always had to run her mouth. She would grab my arm and point at the hair on it, then make a face like she was so utterly disgusted and say, "eww." She would also say I smelled bad even after I had just taken a shower. Another time she proceeded to laugh at my chest because I wasn’t wearing a bra. Which led me to ask my mom to get me one. I clearly didn’t need yet in middle school. To make things even worse she would always beg me to hang out with her after school which became frustrating for me and irritating to my mother.

After all the drama and low self-esteem issues, I had to break it off. I appreciate a person who can speak their mind and be honest to my face rather than go behind my back. However, when speaking their truth involves hurting others verbally then you should probably reconsider why you’d even bother telling them in the first place. Maybe that makes me a sensitive person or maybe it just means I’m a normal human being. I’ve literally had to end friendships with girls who straight out tell me they say things that, “Make them sound like a bitch” and they were right about that. All I have to say about that is if you can’t say anything nice then don’t need to say anything at all.

Now I think I’m ready to share my deepest insecurities throughout the years and how I’ve overcome them.

1.Off With My Hair

My nappy, curly, afro-puff hair drove me crazy as a kid. It went from my mom twisting it, to my godmother braiding it, finally to my hairdresser blow drying it. Out of all these changes, the braids bothered me the most. I remember getting bullied for my braids because the ends curled and it made my natural length look deceiving. Suddenly I was labeled as “the ghetto Black girl” and a tomboy for my braids, which had nothing to do with my actual personality. But you know what’s funny? The same boys that made fun of my hair in middle school for being braided, are the same ones that were flirting with me when I straightened my hair. Ain’t that about the shallowest thing you’ve ever heard? And the straight hair is normally associated with what? White people hair. But even before I straightened my hair people would ask if I was mixed with something, as if black girls with long thick hair can’t be naturally beautiful all on their own. In America, we’re held to beauty standards of women who look nothing like us and definitely don’t have the same hair texture. Somehow it’s so shocking to think I could have long, silky, smooth natural hair that almost touches my butt and isn’t weave, extensions, or permed. Looking back at my hair now I miss the days of having braids because my hair was healthy and my scalp wasn’t as dried out from all the heat of blow drying and flat ironing. Ironic huh.

The bravest hearts aren’t the ones who don’t feel hurt by the judgments of others but feel that pain and turn it into strength to love themselves despite those judgments.

2.Get Them Out My Hair

Speaking on the topic of hair, another insecurity arose when I was once told by one of my step brothers that he would never date a girl like me who had, “so much” hair on their arms. I was only eight years old. I had never felt so much embarrassment and rage. The worst part was he said it in front of all his other brothers. Even after my dad got a divorce from their mom making them my ex-step brothers, what they said resonated with me for a long time. So much so that I did an experiment during my freshman year in high school and shaved off all my arm hair. It was eating me up inside wondering if guys would find me more attractive that way. So I had to shave it off. I was hesitant about doing it at first because I was afraid the hair might grow back longer and darker than before. To my surprise when I sat down in class the next day a weird thing happened, no one had even noticed the hair was gone and all my insecurity had vanished. The OPINION OF ONE SHALLOW TEENAGE BOY no longer bothered me anymore. I realized hair or no hair I’m still the same beautiful, intelligent, compassionate person I’ve always been and any man would be lucky to date me!

One of the hardest truths I’ve had to learn is that no one is ever going to have the privilege to love you as much and as long as you can love yourself.

3.Unbreakable Smile

Reviewing some of my childhood photos I noticed one thing they all had in common: I wasn’t smiling. Even more noticeable was that I wasn’t bearing any teeth. Like many people, I was embarrassed to smile. My teeth weren’t crooked or yellow and I didn’t have an overbite or anything like that. But I did have a gap in the front of my bottom row of teeth. The dentist told me once that my other teeth had moved over to give my adult tooth, that was supposed to be there room to grow. Of course, it never filled that gap and for a long time, there was a gap in my mind that didn’t allow me to grow to appreciate my smile. As a child that caused me a lot of unhappiness. I guess that feeling changed when I realized people like, Michael Strahan who is in the public eye said once that his, “gap is who I am” and he embraced who he was with a whole heart. This brought me a piece of mind and joy as a child which made me take pride in who I am. There was never really anything wrong with my smile. I’ve never even had a cavity before, it was just my mind holding me back. The funny thing is most people don’t even notice the gap in my teeth until I start talking or smile really hard showing more than just my top row of teeth. Recently when my grandmother suggested I get braces, I looked at her like she was crazy because I was finally at peace with my smile and I still am.

The opinion others have of you is not a reflection of who you are but only of what others choose to believe.

4.Thick thighs

I feel like many of us women have experienced at one point or another total defeat from attempting to squeeze into those skinny jeans. Every single time I would start squirming around at the thighs. Everyone would stare if I put on shorts that were normal length but automatically became “booty shorts” because I put them on. It was even difficult to find skirts that covered my ass. I couldn’t cross my legs under the table at the school like I wanted. Getting to the back of the bus without my hips bumping into someone was a nightmare. But as I got older and thick thighs started trending it wasn’t so bad. Then all the boys who pointed and laughed at the way my thighs jiggled actually found it attractive. Apparently, they make a good ass pillow or so I’ve been told. It also makes things a lot easier to balance on your lap. Plus I look amazing in sundresses. Being able to realize there is a silver lining to being curvy really saved me from hating myself. So, in a way, I guess thick thighs really do save lives.

This whole time my mind was trying to change my body when all it took was a little time for my body to change my mind.

5.Slow stigma

There is one more major insecurity that I’ve kept hidden pretty well since it’s not something you can physically see. For a majority of my schooling, I lived in a predominantly white community. Typically I was the only black girl in most of my classes and I took seven classes with 25-30 other classmates crazy right. I guess you can say that I didn’t always feel like I belonged especially when it came to taking advanced placement courses. Looking back at the various classes I took one, in particular, made me doubt my intelligence on an internal level. Now AP Lang. can be challenging for a number of reasons but my confidence in this course depleted dramatically due to standardized testing. While I don’t agree with measuring a students ability to succeed based on one test I let my anxiety and doubt get the best of me. I didn’t pass the reading test my 9th-grade year which set me back to intensive reading my 10th-grade year. By 11th-grade, I had finally passed the test but now had a new fear about passing the AP exam. My comprehension skills were improving but I still felt like I was lacking compared to the rest and at the time my essay writing skills were amateur at best. Now I realize that it took a lot of ambition strength and willpower to attempt a class that most of my other classmates dropped midway through the first semester. While I didn’t pass the AP exam that year, I never gave up on myself. I finished the class with a B average and went on to have two poems published in my high school magazine and passed one AP exam my senior year.

The Truth...

The truth is I was really hard on myself for being hairy, having a goofy smile, not accepting my curves, and thinking I was a slow reader. I actually believed that these “flaws” made me ugly and fat and stupid. But I was wrong, I’m actually really beautiful and healthy and wise for my age. I actually kinda owe my insecurities a big apology because there was never anything to be insecure about in the first place. However, I’m glad it did because it taught me a lesson: You are your own worst critic. You don’t have to live up to the expectations of what other people want you to be. If you wait for someone else to validate who you are, then you will never truly be satisfied with yourself. No one can give you self-approval as you can. I want you all to know it does get better. I hope I could inspire at least one person to get up, take a long hard look in the mirror with a nice CHEESY SMILE and LOVE EVERY SECOND OF IT!!!

As I began to love myself I freed myself of anything that is no good for my health – food, people, things, situations, and everything that drew me down and away from myself. At first, I called this attitude a healthy egoism. Today I know it is “LOVE OF ONESELF”.

―Charlie Chaplin