The Anxiety Elf (Part 3)

It’s over. I am no longer "The Anxiety Elf," although the anxiety bit still stands. It’s been well over a week since my last shift, and I’m so glad to be out of there and back to my simple routine, although to begin with I was missing working. It was making me fidgety not having anything to do—but I would rather be fidgety than anxious about having to go back. The money I earned will run out and eventually I will have to think about getting back into more work.

I was hoping after the four weeks I spent at this job, I may be a step closer towards feeling comfortable in a job. The truth is, if I went back to this job I would be comfortable (although by the time it gets to next November/December I might completely change my mind and panic at the idea of standing in an elf costume for 12 hours whilst screaming children run around my feet and remember all those morning I woke up trying to not throw up whilst having panic attacks).

I was there long enough to not panic as much the night before my shift and also to not panic as much when I got there. I could ask other staff questions without spending ten minutes psyching myself up to do it, but I also felt confident enough to deal with stuff myself if I felt it was the right way to go about it. It even got to the point people were asking me for advice on what to do in certain situations—that was odd. I was so 'not' anxious that I could just wander off to the loo without freaking out that I wasn’t allowed, rather than worrying I would pee myself like I did the whole of my first shift. That’s all great, but I would have to go through it all again when starting a new job. Usually, when you do one thing it’s easier the next time, but I am now just as anxious—maybe even more so—about getting another job. Right now I can’t even apply for another job because the thought of stepping into a new workplace makes me feel sick. I keep using the excuse that I want to "work on my freelance writing so I don’t have time for a job," but really it’s just because my anxiety isn’t getting better. Weirdly, I am still working my other part time job, which I have done for a year and a half now and the idea of going there doesn’t even phase me. Then again, that job is such small hours it’s almost like not working and the only thing bad about it is having to leave the house—which I hate doing, but I’m dealing with it.

I’ve realised it may take me a little longer to ‘cure’ this anxiety, and I feel stupid for thinking one job was going to bring back my confident self. I haven’t always been this anxious, it comes and goes in waves which I think sometimes I take for granted and I should really take advantage of my good days.

There is one thing I realised from this job, not how much I really do hate children, or the fact I can force myself to do things even when I really think I can’t, but how much working around Christmas really kills the Christmas spirit. People’s jobs can take away the fact it is almost Christmas, or it can make them stressed because they don’t have everything ready for the big day. It was Christmas for me the first time I stepped into the grotto. Every day closer to December the 25th I was losing my Christmas spirit. The same songs would repeat everyday, as I stood shivering in Santa’s living room, handing out lollies to crying children, trying not to spread my poorly germs over everyone, even though it was the snotty children who gave me the germs in the first place. Christmas for me this year has just been a big ball of anxiety, with no time to relax and enjoy heartwarming films by the fire with a mug of mulled wine. No time to visit markets every weekend and indulging on seven different fried cheeses, buying random gifts with no idea who I will give them to and ending up just keeping them for myself. But I guess most working people have that problem, they just enjoyed it more than I did.

Christmas Day itself was more towards Christmas spirit than anxiety spirit, but the Anxiety Elf in me is looking forward to spending the summer away from Christmas joy and stress. I wish writing this blog would have helped me overcome the troubles I’ve had but I’m glad people have found it insightful—and funny at points. If this blog helps one anxious person feel better about working, Christmas or any stress for that matter, then I’ve done a good job.

(Check out my Twitter @ree_bec_kahh_ to find any other blogs I do in the future but also to find links to my other Anxiety Elf blogs!)