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The Backstory

My Five Stages of Grief

My Conversation with Ryan

It’s Saturday, July 14, 2018 around 6 in the morning. I wake up to a phone call from my brother, Ryan, telling me something happened to my older sister, Katie.

“Go wake up Dad! I tried calling Mom but no one's answering,” he said.

I run up the stairs & go into my dad's room.

“Dad! Dad wake up! Call Ryan, something happened to Katie!”

He immediately grabs his phone & starts to call him. I walk out of the room & sit by the stairs so I can hear what they’re saying.

I start to text my boyfriend, Evan, to tell him what was going on but then realized that Katie had snapchatted me.

“I love you forever and always.”


“Katie tried to kill herself. She’s being life flighted to Austin right now.”

I don’t remember much else of the conversation but I went back downstairs & texted my brother.

*My parents are going through a divorce so I was at my dad's & my sister was at my mom's.*

I called my younger sister, Piper.

“Piper, go get, Mom. Something happened to Katie.”

Little did I know that at this very moment, I had just told my little sister that her best friend had killed herself & that this very phone call would fuck her up for a long time.


My dad leaves & goes to the hospital & my mom meets him there.

A little while later my dad tells me to take an Uber to the hospital & to hurry. My parents don’t want Piper taking an uber so I call Evan & ask him to pick her up & meet us there.


I arrive at the hospital & see my dad standing there waiting for me. I go up to him & he's crying. He looks at me & says,

“She’s gone, Bella.”

I immediately start bawling & he tries to hug me but I pull away.

We go up to the floor she’s on.

/Everything is sort of a blur from here until we go in to see her./


It's time to go in & my mom says,

“Just preparing you guys, it’s not pretty.”

We walk in, there’s blood coming out of her mouth, her head's all wrapped up, & her arms are covered.

I'm holding her hand & looking at her & all of a sudden she squeezes my hand.

“Mom! She just squeezed my hand!!”


The doctor interrupts & says it was probably just a spasm. Those words destroyed me. I still had some hope that she’d be able to make it.

I start to cry more but I look down so no one can see me.

I walk out to the waiting room & sit with Evan & a few minutes pass & I ask,

“Why is her head bleeding?”

He looks at me & says, “They said she shot herself.”

I think he thought I already knew that but no one had told me.

And again, I start to cry more.


We're in the room again & my entire family’s in here now. Some are talking, others hugging.

I'm going to be sick.

I run out & go to the bathroom & Evan follows.

I sit on the ground & dry heave for a few seconds. I haven’t eaten & I’m not planning on it.

(I'm in treatment for anorexia.) If I lose any more weight, I'm fucked but I don't care right now.


After waiting for a few hours, it’s time to say goodbye to her.

I hold her hand & kiss her head.

“Goodbye, Katie. I love you.”


She’s being taken down to surgery so they can save her kidneys for two men.

One was 47 & one was 57.

She saved those men’s lives that day.

But she died at 5:10 PM. 

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