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The Backstory

My Five Stages of Grief

My Conversation with Ryan

It’s Saturday, July 14, 2018 around 6 in the morning. I wake up to a phone call from my brother, Ryan, telling me something happened to my older sister, Katie.

“Go wake up Dad! I tried calling Mom but no one's answering,” he said.

I run up the stairs & go into my dad's room.

“Dad! Dad wake up! Call Ryan, something happened to Katie!”

He immediately grabs his phone & starts to call him. I walk out of the room & sit by the stairs so I can hear what they’re saying.

I start to text my boyfriend, Evan, to tell him what was going on but then realized that Katie had snapchatted me.

“I love you forever and always.”

—-

“Katie tried to kill herself. She’s being life flighted to Austin right now.”

I don’t remember much else of the conversation but I went back downstairs & texted my brother.

*My parents are going through a divorce so I was at my dad's & my sister was at my mom's.*

I called my younger sister, Piper.

“Piper, go get, Mom. Something happened to Katie.”

Little did I know that at this very moment, I had just told my little sister that her best friend had killed herself & that this very phone call would fuck her up for a long time.

——

My dad leaves & goes to the hospital & my mom meets him there.

A little while later my dad tells me to take an Uber to the hospital & to hurry. My parents don’t want Piper taking an uber so I call Evan & ask him to pick her up & meet us there.

——

I arrive at the hospital & see my dad standing there waiting for me. I go up to him & he's crying. He looks at me & says,

“She’s gone, Bella.”

I immediately start bawling & he tries to hug me but I pull away.

We go up to the floor she’s on.

/Everything is sort of a blur from here until we go in to see her./

—-

It's time to go in & my mom says,

“Just preparing you guys, it’s not pretty.”

We walk in, there’s blood coming out of her mouth, her head's all wrapped up, & her arms are covered.

I'm holding her hand & looking at her & all of a sudden she squeezes my hand.

“Mom! She just squeezed my hand!!”

“What???”

The doctor interrupts & says it was probably just a spasm. Those words destroyed me. I still had some hope that she’d be able to make it.

I start to cry more but I look down so no one can see me.

I walk out to the waiting room & sit with Evan & a few minutes pass & I ask,

“Why is her head bleeding?”

He looks at me & says, “They said she shot herself.”

I think he thought I already knew that but no one had told me.

And again, I start to cry more.

—-

We're in the room again & my entire family’s in here now. Some are talking, others hugging.

I'm going to be sick.

I run out & go to the bathroom & Evan follows.

I sit on the ground & dry heave for a few seconds. I haven’t eaten & I’m not planning on it.

(I'm in treatment for anorexia.) If I lose any more weight, I'm fucked but I don't care right now.

—-

After waiting for a few hours, it’s time to say goodbye to her.

I hold her hand & kiss her head.

“Goodbye, Katie. I love you.”

—-

She’s being taken down to surgery so they can save her kidneys for two men.

One was 47 & one was 57.

She saved those men’s lives that day.

But she died at 5:10 PM. 

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