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The Beast

Inner Turmoil

Disclaimer: I am not a doctor or medical professional. This article is being written with basic knowledge from what i've seen, heard, and personally experienced. 

I'd like to describe to you what my depression feels like to me. I want to help you understand the inner turmoil that I go through on a daily basis. I've not been officially diagnosed with depression, or any other mental illness, but I am positive that there is something for lack of a better term "not right in my head." I don't take any sort of medicine to try and curb these feelings or thoughts. They are handled in their own way by mostly keeping myself incredibly busy.

First, let's talk about what depression is. It's a mental illness that can affect how you act, how you feel, how you think, and can overall give you a feeling of helplessness due to the fact that it's like you've lost control of who you are, and what makes you, well you. Some people have triggers that can cause depression to  "flair up," and others are more or less in a constant state of dealing with it, but have more severe moments than others. 

I'm more on the latter end of my previous statement, and some of that could be due to the fact that I have not gone and spoke to a doctor to receive treatment or assistance. I made the personal choice to handle my issues on my own. With that said, it is not something that I actually recommend. If you feel like you may have depression, or some kind of mental illness, then I suggest you seek out a medical professional for treatment, therapy, and/or guidance. 

The way I handle my depression and thoughts is through constantly keeping myself busy. I am always doing something, or thinking about doing something, or coming up with another hobby to pursue. I have a ton of hobbies from art, to music, to woodburning, to writing, to YouTube, and I am always adding more. I enjoy doing these things, and having all of these creative outlets is what helps me cope with the ever-clawing monsters that lie within my head. With that said, it is exhausting and I don't want you to think that I'm whining, or complaining about it. I've accepted my depression as a part of who I am. Perhaps that is the reason why I haven't gone, and spoken to a professional. Maybe, I'm afraid that somehow getting treated will make me less of who I am now. In any case, the main way I keep my head above water is by filling my head with so much stuff and things that my brain doesn't have the time to make me sink into a depressive state.

It's not foolproof though. Thoughts slip in, and moments build up, and when they do I become reclusive, quiet, sometimes unresponsive. Sometimes I'm able to claw my way back out of these pits quickly, and in other cases I'm trapped there for a while, waiting for my moment to finally be me again. Imagine two animals fighting around a hole in the ground. They circle round and round, waiting for the other to make a mistake, and when they see an opportunity, they throw the other in the hole. One animal is me, the normal me. With all my humor, intelligence, joy, normal sadness, and sociability. The other animal is my depression; the embodiment of overwhelming sadness, all my insecurities, hopelessness, constant self doubt, and feelings of being helpless. Not once have I knocked that depression into the hole. I merely sneak by it when its tossed me in.

This is a constant battle. It's not once a year, once a month, once a week, or even once a day. It is every second. It is a war that is always being waged inside of my head, and while I'd like to think that I'm the only casualty of this war, I know that some of my relationships with family, friends, and even my wife have been affected by it. I tried to keep it hidden at one point in my life. I didn't want people to know what I was going through, but if you are feeling anything like what I described then you need to tell someone. Don't keep it bottled up inside you. Don't be ashamed of it, and most of all. Don't let it control you.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope that you have a fantastic day, and you are most definitely appreciated. Stay awesome, my friend.

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