The Beginning of a Long Voyage

Overcoming mental illness is a process that affects every part of your life. It is a constant battle between the brain and the self. One of the worst aspects of this affliction is so often the brain and the self feel as though they are together on this horrible journey. The brain being such a powerful organ it can seemingly control every aspect of your life during mental illness. It feels as though the two are completely inseparable.

Don’t get me wrong, the brain and the self are intrinsically linked biologically. However, it is less that the brain is almighty and more that it feeds off of any power given to it, much like a toddler given no guidance. The relationship between the brain and the self, as it appears normally, is much like that of the sun and moon. Both serve functions in the world, and the world would not be able to function without both, but they serve very different roles. Same goes with the brain and the self. In balance, they serve different yet connected purposes. With mental illness the brain has become out of balance with the self and dominates most, if not all, notions of the self. It often feels, in the throes of mental illness, that the brain is all-powerful. It guides everything in the way it wants, and takes the paths of least resistance, relying on patterned thoughts to assume outcomes. It has no consideration for the self; the brain is in control.

Anyone suffering from mental illness, and I do mean suffering, knows this feeling whether or not they have made the connection between the two. It is the feeling of wanting to make a phone call (the self), but sitting with the phone in your hand unable to dial the numbers out of fear of what could be the outcome (the brain). It is looking around you and seeing how much you have to live for (self), but still holding a full bottle of pills in your hand because you think the world would be a better place without you in it (the brain).

I am too familiar with each of these scenarios as I have been in them numerous times throughout my thirty years of life. There are countless other examples that I could provide that demonstrate the imbalance between the brain and the the self, but alas, this is not the place for that. I want to speak to the beginning of my realization that, while the brain and the self are definitely linked, they are completely separate entities.

I have suffered with various forms of mental health issues since I was a small child. A realization that only came after countless hours of therapy, counselling, and self-reflection. Currently, my diagnosis is anxiety disorder, depression, and, most recently, post-traumatic stress disorder.

Finally, at 30 years old, I can say for the first time in my life I am ready to create a balance between the brain and the self. I am not naive enough to ever think that I will be “cured,” rather I feel with certainty that I will get better. Not better in the traditional medical sense of not being plagued with this horrible illness anymore, but better in the sense that I can overcome the roadblocks and challenges put in my way by the imbalance between the brain and the self. I believe that I will eventually be able to have a more symbiotic relationship between the two forces within me.

Writing that, at this point in my journey, feels both wholly overwhelming and simultaneously empowering. I am nowhere near ready to say I’m better in the sense I outlined above. Hell, I cannot even say I am currently doing well without a hesitation from the brain. This trip of self discovery has only just begun.

It’s as if I’m about to embark on an oversea adventure; I have pushed off, but I can still see the dock and land. Some days, when the brain is more powerful than the self’s ability to control it, I sometimes hit the shore (today is one of those days), but I am still in the boat, on the water, and I have movement. I look at that movement as motivation. I may have sailed out five miles and the wind may have pushed me back, but I have conquered those five miles before so next time it’ll be easier to get back out there. I am no longer left behind on the wharf, a slave to the shore, but rather I have embarked on the most important journey of my life, and there is no way you’re getting me back on land where the brain rules. This is a trip that will be stormy at times, there will be setbacks, and sometimes my navigation will take me places I don’t need or want to go. What keeps me afloat is the knowledge that the destination is peace.

For myself, I feel like documenting this trip and sharing it is crucial to reaching that destination. Putting pen to paper, and then words on a computer screen, is therapy in and of itself. If my words reach one person and makes them feel that they are not alone on the ocean during the perfect storm, I am grateful.

To anyone reading this: you are enough. You are not alone. You are capable of amazing things, and this world needs you.