The Beginning of My Anxiety

I was lost and scared out of my mind. I had no idea what was going on at that time. All the worries I had deep within me just stood there in my head. They stood glued to my mind. My chest was in pain, a pain that is hard to describe, but if I had to I'd say it was as if my chest was being crushed by a thousand trees. That's when I started not to breathe properly. It was hard not to think about something else and get myself out of that horrible moment I was in.

At this point in my life, I had no one to vent to and let go. Yes, I did have friends but as much as I wanted to tell them, I just knew what was going to be the point. Some may care, some may don't. And eventually a year passed and some were nothing but strangers to me. That's why it's hard for me to open up, mainly because of the fear of them leaving.

February 3, 2016 was the day all this happened. You could see the stars bright up in the sky and there was a beautiful half moon brighter than the stars. This lasted for about 30 minutes, and as every minute went by, I just wanted it to end. My parents didn't know about it, because really as much as what they were going through at that point in life, I didn't want any more worries in their minds. So I hid it from them. It was happening almost three days every week. And I was scared it was going to end up being worse. As hard as I tried to calm myself down, I just didn't seem to do it.

That day I took some sleeping medication—anything that I could find. My body ached like fire burning my skin. I felt that it was going to last more than what I expected it to. I laid down on my bed, closed my eyes, and I had music playing faintly on my headphones. I was slowly falling asleep. I kept waking up, but then I came to realize music helped me and as well as medication.

Music, My Escape

I’m not that type who prefers medication. I’d prefer finding something that’ll help with my anxiety, which happens to be music. I started integrating music into my life, certain genres that allowed my soul to relax. Now it wasn’t always easy, but it helped and that’s what really matters. It was a way of relief for me. I somewhat had the idea of how to deal with it.

Music to me is another language, something that allows us to get through a bad day, or relate to the story behind it. Personally when I would go through anxiety attacks I would listen to classical songs, or on a bad day listen to guitar strings playing, pianos roaring, and trumpets dancing. It soothes me deep within my soul. Occasionally I would just listen to some of the 80s songs, which helped me as well.

After knowing that I dealt with anxiety I started developing self insecurities, mainly because I just thought to myself, "Who would want to be with someone who has anxiety attacks almost every day? How would they take it?" It was hard not thinking about that. But that’s another story to tell.

February 3, 2016, was a very frightening day. Luckily I got through and know that there are ways to cope with it and get help. It makes me happy. I know I’m not the only one struggling with anxiety. But best believe we are strong people and nothing can tear us down. So let's keep fighting until our demons are gone somehow. Let’s have faith and hope that everything will settle down. And we’ll become new people to help around.

I appreciate everyone who has read my story about my first anxiety attack. This is not the end, but just the beginning. Many episodes have happened to me, but certain ones I don’t mind to write for y’all to read.