The Bipolar Relationship

Having Bipolar disorder is hard enough on its own. Having Bipolar disorder and trying to maintain a healthy relationship can be pure hell. The mood swings, the long bouts of depression, the periods of mania. I have heard it described as never knowing each morning whether or not Tigger or Eeyore will be in charge for the day. No truer statement has ever been made.

I have been on and off medications since I was 16. So, they worked for a little while and others made me worse. The only constant through the roller coaster ride has been my partner. How he deals with my moods, stupid decisions, and me just being all over the place, I will never know. Then again, I do the same for him.

No one would ever call our relationship perfect by any means. Like with any relationship, it has its ups and downs. The only difference is when I'm manic or depressed, I make stupid and self-destructive decisions that not only affect me, but everyone around me. I will admit that I'm a lot worse when I am not medicated.

In the past few years, I have made some stupid decisions, some of which tore my family apart, while some brought us closer than we had been in years. Do I regret my decisions? Yes and no.

Why yes and no, you may ask. Yes, I regret them because I almost lost everything that I ever loved and that had ever loved me. No, because if I hadn't made those decisions I wouldn't be who I am today, nor where I am today.

Does having a mental illness give me "permission" to be stupid and irresponsible? Not in the slightest. In my opinion, knowing that I have a mental illness should make me more cautious and vigilant over my actions and words. I'm not using it as an excuse for what I did.

How can someone maintain a relationship with someone like me? It's not easy. I always need the reassurance that I am good enough, that I am wanted and loved. I need to feel like I am worthy on days when I feel like I am the worst human being in the world. I need to know always that I am not alone. Me feeling alone, unworthy, stupid — you get where I am going — ends in me making dumb choices.

What helps? COMMUNICATION. COMMUNICATION. COMMUNICATION! Until recently, I royally sucked at communicating with my how I felt about anything, unless we were both mad at each other and yelling. Then I'd say crap, I didn't really mean just to hurt him. We're still learning to communicate better, but at least we can talk now and try to understand the other persons perspective.

It's not easy, but nothing worth having ever comes easily. Every day is a mental struggle for me. There are days that I don't want to even get out of bed, but I know that I must for my kids. There are days that I am so hyper that I'm asked if I am on something. Then there are days where I feel "normal." I never know what the day is going to be like and the slightest thing can make me go from being happy and okay to so mad I can't think straight.

My partner never knows which me he's going to come home to. I know that I am not an easy person to deal with, but him not giving up on me despite my stupidity shows that he does care. Where most men would have walked away without a second thought, he has stood beside me. When the odds were stacked against us, he stood by me. If it wasn't for his support, despite how hard it may be for him, I know without a doubt that I would never have made it as far as I have. He's the one who supported me and had my back when it felt like the whole world was against me.

After everything that I have put him and our family through I am thankful. While many people have turned their backs and basically disappeared from my life, which isn't completely a bad thing, he was and is there. Those days where I do nothing but cry for no apparent reason, he's there for me to cry on his shoulder. When I'm so mad at the world, he's there for me to vent to. On the days that I feel like I am nothing and want to disappear, he's there. He's always there and always has been. I don't know what I would do without him, even if he does make me mad sometimes.

Basically, what I am trying to say is to be with someone who will not only have your back and stand beside you, but someone who will carry you when you don't have it within you to keep going. Don't use your mental illness as an excuse for doing stupid things because you're still in control of your actions. But finding someone who loves you despite all your flaws is priceless.