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The Black and Socially Awkward

Five Minute Thoughts into the Working Day...

By essameyPublished 6 years ago 3 min read
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In light of Mental Health Day, my team decided that we'd take 15 minutes out of our working day — away from the phones as we get loads of calls being a Supporter Care Team — to reflect on our own personal well-being, share what how we "feel," and any words of encouragement — just a way of making reference to, and showing respect to those who do suffer with a mental health issue.

Within our discussion, the question "Do you wear a mask to work?" was brought forward. Due to the issue in question, I avoided answering...

I have social anxiety. And not in a "I'm-shy-so-prefer-not-to-speak" sort of way, but a "I-want-to-open-up-in-regards-to-this-matter-but-physically-cannot-because-I-fear-rejection/being misunderstood/coming across as offensive." The way my brain works doesn't translate into how I may act. And that's never easy for anyone. But as a Black woman, I have already been preconceived and boxed into an image that is out of my control — lairy, rude, oversensitive, *insert your own preconceptions made about you for being Black in an over-saturated White working place*. So it doesn't help when your social anxiety compels you to act in a manner that gives off the wrong impression.

I don't avoid walking to the train station because I'm rude, it's because I don't know how to maintain a conversation with people I'm not comfortable with.

I don't "just prefer Black people" because I hangout with the other Black woman in the office, it's because we have more to relate which makes me a lot more comfortable being myself in my own skin.

I don't avoid conversating on the team group chat or in meetings because I don't like any of you, it's because I'm afraid that my input won't flow as well with everyone else's, and then there'd be that awkward silence that'll make me feel rejected.

I prefer to sit on my own at lunch, not because I prefer my own company, but because I can't handle the thought of my company not being as entertaining, friendly, or inviting as the next person.

Now I know this is the case for anyone — Black, yellow, male, elephant, all the same. But I'm treated and responded differently to because of my race. This may be biased and totally skewed — but I'm not here on the behalf of the multitude — but I have seen White people who suffer from the same symptoms, to be more welcomed and adjusted for to be made to feel much more comfortable. Why's that? I feel that people will overcompensate for a White colleague who "shys away" to make them feel as included as possible, but for a Black person they are deemed as "unfriendly," "unapproachable," or "she/he's just like that."

I respond best in an environment where I feel comfortable to speak, act, and be myself. Being shunned off as the statements listed above deepens my experience of social anxiety to the point where I try to escape to the things that do make me feel comfortable, i.e. plugging in my headphones to music for the whole day; going out for lunch to avoid the awkwardness of not wanting to sit/be seated with etc.

I don't believe that it's a conscious thing to make me feel uncomfortable or excluded, I don't, because my teammates are lovely individuals. I'm just sick of the awkward "should-I-say-hi-or-not" smiles, and the half-hearted attempt to take interest in my day.

Just a five minute recollection this late afternoon...

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About the Creator

essamey

A self-help guide for people who understand Black Twitter references.

Navigating love, relationships, faith & lifestyle.

IG: es_journal

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