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The Butterfly Project

How I Got My Life Back When Depression Stole Everything from Me

By Sophia ChajonPublished 6 years ago 4 min read
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Photo by Noah Silliman on Unsplash

Last year I lost all will to live. Simple everyday things like combing my hair, showering, or brushing my teeth became difficult. I had no desire to eat and my grades began to drop. I simply didn't have the motivation to do anything because nothing seemed worth it. My life was out of control and falling apart around me.

The depression came in two stages. At times I would feel empty, like the person inside of me had disappeared and all that was left was an empty shell, like I was a body walking around with no soul, no heart.

Other times I would feel like I was breaking, like my heart had suddenly returned and was being crushed into a million little pieces within me. The pain was so great I could literally feel it physically in my chest, spilling up and out of me as I collapsed in tears on my bathroom floor. These were the times when I was desperate for control, desperate to make the pain stop, to have something else to focus on. And the only thing that seemed to be able to battle the pain was more pain but in a different form.

And that's what led me to start cutting. I would grab a razor from under my bathroom sink, tear off the guard and attack my stomach. Watching the blood rise from the cuts, dark and crimson, was therapeutic in a sick and twisted sort of way. And for those few moments, I was in control of something. Or at least I thought I was. But in reality, the cutting was in control of me. It became an obsession, as addictive and dangerous a coping mechanism as alcoholism or drugs.

For months I cut my stomach to shreds as my world got darker and any last slivers of hope faded completely. Eventually, cutting myself didn't even hurt anymore. I couldn't really feel it, even as blood trickled down my abdomen. But I couldn't stop. I didn't know what else to do.

All this changed one day when my mom reminded me of a doctor's appointment I had completely forgotten about. Driving there, the marks covering my stomach weren't even on my mind. It wasn't until the doctor told me to lay down on the examining table so she could check my abdomen that I remembered. But, by then, it was too late. I watched helplessly as she lifted my shirt and her facial expression changed as what I had done registered. She couldn't contain her surprise and asked me if I had cut while my mother was still in the room. I thought it was the worst day of my life.

That day became a wake-up call for me. The bluntness and unexpectedness of it shocked me into realizing just how far I'd fallen and how much damage I was causing myself. I went home that day and that's when I discovered the Butterfly Project.

The butterfly project is aimed at helping people who self-harm. The concept is that when you want to cut, burn, etc., you draw a butterfly on yourself instead. You name the butterfly after somebody who loves you and wants you to get better, and you're not allowed to wash the butterfly off. You have to let it fade naturally. If you cut while the butterfly is still there, you kill the butterfly. If needed, you can have multiple butterflies drawn on yourself at a time. I know I did.

It has now been almost eight months, and, while it has certainly not been easy, I can say that I have not cut once since that day. The Butterfly Project is not a cure-all, and you have to be really determined and persevere through the temptation to make it without cutting, but it's possible. And for me, the Butterfly Project really helped.

It became a symbol to me of a fresh start, a newfound strength. It was the little reminder I needed when I had nothing and nobody else to keep me from picking up the razor again.

If self-harm is something you struggle with, too, draw a butterfly on yourself and remember that, believe it or not, there are people around you who love you and care about you and want you to get better. You are not alone. And you are going to get through this stronger than ever.

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About the Creator

Sophia Chajon

Reader, writer, poet, photographer, and dog-lover.

I believe words and chocolate are two of the best things in life.

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