The Cost

Jane still felt like the new starter after six months in her job. Her lack of experience was telling when she began her work practice. Jane had spent her twenties cleaning various hotel bedrooms around her region always moving on to find better work conditions. Now approaching her forties Jane had through a bereavement, undertaken voluntary work in the Samaritan organisation to give back to them, a thank you, for their support when she was grieving. After which she went to college to study to become a trained counsellor.

Jane was in some ways satisfied with where she was today on this bright, autumnal morning as she pushed the door open and descended to the dining hall. The usual faces sat around the table waiting for the students to arrive and work to begin.

It did not take long for Jane to understand the hierarchy in the college. The select and the mass. The teacher and the support worker. It had been kindly, or so it seemed, to be asked to join the teachers on their comfortable sofa room before 9.00 am (there was after all only one other support worker invited too.) After a couple of these morning starts she decided to sit with the masses. Jane did not really understand why their room made her feel uncomfortable until she noted how the select could laugh at other people’s work practice and it did not rest well with her. The select had a lot of charm they also had a superior attitude.

Now aware of the teachers eyes on her and the judgements that could be freely made but only aired in that tiny room, Jane became increasingly uncomfortable throughout her day. With this knowledge she was able to recognise the prevailing competition that was rife within the college walls. Some staff strove to be the best, to control a wayward student, to report to the manager that it was their intervention that changed a person’s behaviour. Jane found this stifling and claustrophobic. Jane observed several times that a person from the masses could be ignored or their work dismissed because of who they were. How did the students benefit from this staff competition?

Mostly Jane came to love working with these troubled teenagers. Sometimes their innocence was a breath of fresh air, sometimes their anxiety that could easily escalate into aggressive behaviour was a challenge to her patience and her safety. Yet Jane believed in non- confrontation and valuing each students anxieties and obsessions. It worked most of the time as a pacifier and a relationship builder.

So back to this morning Jane has been asked to go into the office to see the manager. Where she is told that a counselling role has come up in the college and knowing of her counselling qualification would she like to apply? Jane had a few reservations firstly she was not therapeutically trained to work with people on the autism spectrum, secondly, could she do it? Thirdly, she was a Grade 1 support staff and the role of counsellor was Grade 3, could she make that transition? Her manager was positive about each question and encouraged her to apply.

Suddenly Jane felt valued and supported in her role. Today she envisioned a completed circle of all the things she had wanted to succeed in since her first tentative steps into volunteering.

Jane went home that evening on a cloud, giving her son who has a learning a difficulty the biggest hug, “this is for you too James,” she said.

Let us skip the interview, it seemed like a done deal before it got underway. Jane enjoyed the move to her new room. It was exciting getting a budget for comfortable floor cushions, books, a computer and a locked filing cabinet. Quickly Jane was ready to go. Remember the competition? Well Jane had cut the invisible ribbon and she needed to be reminded. Students would come to her room and say that they were told not to talk to her by a member of staff. Grade 2 staff slow hand clapped her in congratulation for her advancement and she was cold shouldered by the select.

Her reputation as “soft” was instantly pounced on and called out , but Jane saw her self as giving students time and respect. She was never one to raise her voice or threaten a student. Jane’s practice was lead by talking in which ever language was appropriate for that person, be it signing, talking mats, pictures, writing. As a counsellor and a support worker she spent her time trying to be alongside a student to understand them. She understood that structure for a student can have a calming effect on them and can add to their feelings of safety. Alternatively she could not endorse a punitive structure.

In the following years Jane found a hand full of like minded teachers and support staff who she was able to confide in about best practice. Increasingly though these discussions would lead to the bullying practices of the select on students and particularly staff.

Jane felt like a tree breaking in the storm. Some days she felt like she was just managing to stay attached to her roots as she swayed and creaked. It became clear that the counsellor who was privy to confidences was untrustworthy! This was horrifying to Jane it went against all she believed in about her role and how she practiced. As I talk to Jane now I tell her that those who made her counselling role difficult, projected their own lack of good practice on to her. Jane tells me she was caught up in their world trying to do her job, and so, she was blind to it.

Of course here is the proof. Jane had been working with a young man for some weeks and he was becoming more agitated after each session with a certain teacher. Jane was determined to get to the bottom of the issue that was causing his anxiety. Eventually, with patience and exploration she was able to understand what had been happening. With due deliberation and advice from a senior member of staff that Jane trusted it was deemed appropriate to whistle blow.

It was not appropriate that the above teacher sought Jane out some week later. With his full weight and tone he told her knew she had written a report and that he would encourage her to do it again but he would never change the way he teaches. Finally, he slammed the door on his way out.

Jane was shaken, a little afraid and questioning of herself. The teacher was allowed to continue his practice. In the whistle blowing procedure Jane was not protected. Jane felt the sleepless nights, the worrying were for nothing. And what about the student?

Jane has asked me not to go into all the other instances of bullying of staff and of students because they all have the same theme. It was permitted. Our supervisions with our manager were not real because the truth would never be kept confidential. Making a students needs known took some nerve if you had to walk in the office and ask for support if you were a member of the mass. Always the select controlled the office and what was going on the classroom floor, mainly through gossip and slight.

Jane still has difficulty understanding how what should be a nurturing environment can be toxic. Students oblivious to the subtleties of staff disquiet were happy. Yet their care must have been compromised, because they didn’t understand or were unable to communicate what they were witness to.

One day Jane did not go into work. The challenge of being “soft” and a whistle blower in the eyes of her colleagues became a burden not a thing of value. Instead Jane went to see her doctor and asked for a sick note and was prescribed anti- depressants.

Sometimes Jane feels like a failure. She knows the cost of standing up to a bully and then being devalued and dismissed. She also knows what it feels like to witness bullying and be scared to report it. Importantly for Jane though the feeling of not being able to change something for the good is frustrating. Institutional abuse is overwhelming and difficult to change.

In the world today there must be other people in the work place being bullied and wondering should I ignore the bully or stand up to the bully? Everyone has right answer to this question in their heart. Whether you work in an environment that cares for the needs of others or a job that you are the only person you are responsible for, the answer should be the same. For Jane believes, if you are bullied, you will not be the only one.

The charm of the bully should never mitigate his or her verbal, emotional or aggressive behaviour.

Jane believes it takes courage, passion and honest belief, and importantly a good support network to make a stand for justice against any form of bullying and abuse. Yet it is only you who can live with the personal cost on your mental health and well being in whatever decision you make.

Be brave.