The Darker Days

Depression...

For me, it all started about six years ago. On a summer day my brother attempted to commit suicide. Only my mother and I were home, so it was my responsibility to call 9-1-1 while she tried to get details out of him. With my voice shaking and hands trembling, I tried to pull myself together enough to get the words out. The ambulance came and took him to the hospital. He was put into a medically induced coma. Thankfully he survived and doesn’t have any long term effects.

After this, my mom put myself and my other brother on the back burner. Or that’s how it felt. I felt alone, as if I were just a shadow on the wall. There was like a spotlight or tunnel vision aimed directly toward him, blurring my brother and myself out of view. I slipped into a dark place, but you wouldn’t be able to tell. I put a mask on to try to make everyone believe that I was OK.

A few months, later my uncle passed away from cancer. I will always remember that day. I came home from school on Veterans Day and my mom broke the news to my brother and I. That’s actually the first time I’ve seen him cry, if I’m being honest.

My aunt had planned a celebration of life in his honor. He wouldn’t want to be mourned for the life he is losing, he would want to be celebrated for the life that he did live. Unfortunately, I was only 11 and could not provide my own transportation. My father said he was too busy and my mother felt uncomfortable going (as it was for my father’s brother and my parents are divorced). So there was not much I could do.

I did have a ride to the championship game that I was supposed to cheer for, so I went with a friend too late and had to miss the celebration. To this day, I regret not trying harder to be there, but it was entirely out of my control at that point in time. Nonetheless, my dad was less than thrilled to find that out. He stopped all communication with me.

The visits stopped. The weekends at his house stopped. The phone calls stopped. Everything stopped. At this moment, I experienced what it is like to be abandoned by a parent. I’ve cried myself to sleep on many occasions, wondering, “Why am I so easy to throw away because of something I couldn’t change?” This is when my depression really kicked in and I had some very troublesome thoughts, but I never acted on them. It would be a year until my father and I started talking again. Honestly, sometimes I regret that.

Nothing has really changed. We still barely talk. He focuses more on my two sisters and my little brother than my two brothers and I. He gets mad when I don’t call him, but the phone works both ways. As a soon-to-be sophomore, I’ve made Dean’s List both semesters so far. This only fuels my dad to brag about me when he hasn’t really had anything to do with my success. He’s only paid $200, when it costs about $30,000 to attend Penn State as a PA resident. My mom and stepdad have been the biggest supporters of me, both financially and emotionally. This kills me. I’ve told my mom over and over again how I think my dad has broken me and I can never be repaired.

A father is supposed to be a daughter's first love, but he was my first heartbreak. There are nights I wish my mom had never met him so that I would never have had the chance to be here, or at least if he could’ve been different. But I have to admit, I wouldn’t be the person I am today if it weren’t for him.

I wouldn’t be as strong as I am. I wouldn’t be as caring as I am. And I wouldn’t be as determined to succeed if it weren’t for him because now I can say I did it without him. He may be big source of my depression, and probably will be for the rest of my life unless things change. But I can’t hate him. He’s changed me for the better and worse, but I’ve learned a lot.

For anyone who is going through depression due to tragic events, try to find the light. I know it’s hard, I can tell you from experience. There have been days where I don’t want to be on this earth anymore because the heart attack is just too much. But then there’s great days. I have a wonderful boyfriend, wonderful family, and wonderful true friends that love me and only want to see me happy and succeed for all the right reasons. There are valleys of depression, but they don’t last forever and you will reach a peak. Don’t give up. There are people on this earth that love you dearly and would hate to see you leave. Their life would be forever changed. You can do this, I believe in you.