The Falling Bridge

To describe my mind is impossible. Even I don’t dare to venture towards my subconscious, yet I know what lies within. It is like being on top of a bridge you know is about to fall, collapse into rubble in the river that flows beneath. Yet my feet stand ground on the stone like an old oak tree’s roots will into the earth. My legs turn into what I can only describe as tall pieces of grass getting caught in a tornado. My heart is as heavy as the anchor that keeps the planet together and earth’s existence. My subconscious making an appearance trying to convince the others to jump for the fun of it.

But yet, I am not alone. I will never be alone. You see what lays within the shell of my body harvests multiple people, all trying to find a way to escape the prison that they are kept in. All wanting to be there own individual. Some persevere more than others. Some just occasionally visit the world around them, like a small vacation from my mind. Just to occasionally stir the plot for this never-ending film of what I like to call my life.

One of them is what takes control of my feet when I stand on top of that bridge. He is the reason why my feet are rooted to the cold, hard stone that lays underneath them. Too scared to move an inch, yet fears that something will happen is he keeps them all still. The fear of something bad will happen, slowly suffocating him that he just wants everything to come to an end. Scared enough to let the fear overflow him.

Another is the stability of my legs. She is like a piece of driftwood you want to climb upon when you want to stop yourself from drowning, only to find out the realization that she will never keep you afloat. She is so indecisive to keep fighting or to surrender and let the water sink her to the bottom of the seabed. She is so sick and tired of the monsters that have created what lays in the subconscious that she almost wants me to fall off the bridge and to stop the reality that hell really exists.

I then have the one who controls my heart. Me. The one who is writing this. It is not afraid of the demons that have taken over the subconscious and who are slowly trying to corrupt my mind. Although I sometimes take over my mind I know that currently, they are winning. I will always try and fight for the freedom I desire. However, the more I try the weaker I become due to the demons that take over my mind, so far they have more control than I ever dreamed off. I am the reason why I haven’t taken that leap from the bridge.

I also have my mind that gets poisoned by the demons. The control center that is stuck on personality shuffle for many years. The stupid one who needs to get ahold of herself. It likes to think that it has the most control, the most power but it can’t be any more false. She is one wild ride that never fails to surprise me. It lets the demons convince her that one more drink will not hurt. Death is an escape from the reality of my life. That no one will ever care and that I cannot trust anyone. She lets them overpower us all and swallows everything surrounding her whole. She lets the icy breath of the demons take control and lets them force themselves in so they can drag their sharpened claws and pierce my skin all the way down my spine until my mind does everything they want. Anything to keep the monsters that they have created at bay away from the world.

People usually get angry, upset or paranoid about all the people inside of me. Each time anything traumatic happens it’s like a little troll climbs up the bridge and stagger into the shell of me adding yet another person into the mix. Yet others around me will try and guilt trip me into trying to change myself for them. They can’t cope with who I will awake as from my slumber, forever changing. Yet they do not know how it is like being the one trapped within the world no one else will ever glimpse at. The many nights I lay there in the dead of night too scared and trying not to drift off into the coldness of the night. Never knowing what person I will be when I wake up. A never-ending cycle I cannot break.

During my time on this slowly falling bridge I realize that the days have become months, the months have become years and the years have become a lifetime. Over my many years, I still stand on this bridge I have noticed that shadows appear always trying to attach themselves just to a single person that lays within my captive shell. They will never find a person to attach too. This is due to the shadows tormenting the shell. They penetrate my body just once and just enough to add more demons into the subconscious to add more torture to each and every one of them. All with the same stories just different versions of events. What the shadows do not know is that they can enter my body as many times as they want. They can play games with my mind as much as they want, they can try and scare each and everyone inside of me. No matter how much they try, they will never take control of my heart and never gain full control of my mind.

My subconscious always finds these demons and always take them in and make them one of their own. Therefore, they create these shadows into more demons so that there is more of them to blow their ice-cold breaths down my ear to try and convince one of the people inside of me to take the final jump so I can plummet down into the flowing rivers. To try and take full control of each and every version of myself. One day they may win and I may take the jump to stop all the pain and suffering they cause me every breath I take. But today isn’t that day. I am not a victim. I am not a survivor. I am a fighter. As long as there is a heart beating in my chest they will never win. As there are people around me brave enough to replace crumbling rubble from the bridge and turn them into stone, they will not win. Love will always win.