The Feeling of Depression

Have you ever wondered what depression feels like? Not the doctor definition of emotional turmoil with manic behavior. The truth. The physical and mental torment it lashes out with. The control it has over someone's life. This is my journey. Welcome to my depression:

"You are not enough, no one will ever love you, you are a joke, you are weak, you are fat, you are worthless, you are ugly, you are pathetic, you are a monster, you are nothing, you are a failure." - Depression

Depression is a faceless beast. A weight upon my back and a relentless voice in my head. The feeling of being followed but see no one behind you, a blind pressure on your chest whenever you try to breathe, and the anxiety that wants to reach out for help but physically cannot speak or hit send. I'm scared. For so long I was protected and my life was simply laid out in front of me. The first few months here were really hard but I just blamed growing up and living in a new city alone. I convinced myself it was normal and it happened to everyone. I buried my feelings like I always do and I went on with life. But each day it got harder and I wasn't sure why. Some days it was so easy to put on a smile that I convinced myself I was okay, and for a while, I was. But some days it is so hard to get out of bed, to not cry, to even speak. My body physically hurts and aches with each movement, my breath is heavy, my head is a weight upon my shoulders, my mouth is dry, my tears burn my cheeks, my heart races and slows, my mind either moves 100 miles a minute or moves in slow motion, my heart hurts. Everything aches and all day long, when I’m surrounded by people, all I can do is look at their faces and see that no one really sees me and knows I'm hurting. I just ache to be alone, because at least when I'm alone it makes sense that no one knows I'm not okay. I want to express my pain and connect with someone about what I am going through but literally cannot. I sat out on the balcony alone and strangely for the first time, I 100 percent felt like an adult and I was terrified. This feeling, this emptiness and loneliness, isn't going away. The way I feel right now, alone on this balcony, is the rest of my life. I can't see an escape or cure. The hollowness in my chest aches and I can't help but sit here and cry. I don't think I am strong enough to live the rest of my life feeling like this. It's not that I want to end it, it's not that I want to kill myself, it's not that I want to leave. I just do not want to feel this way, I do not want to exist, I do not want this pressure, I do not want this specific life. I resent people who experience life without this challenge instead of being happy, they will never know this pain and torment. Why was I chosen to be the messed up one, why is my life a burden upon me, why do I hurt while others live in bliss, why can't I be like those picture perfect girls I see? Why? Why me? Why not them?

Growing up is not easy. Growing up is not what it seems in the movies. Growing up is trails and tribulations. Growing up is what it is.

In order to make it through sometimes, we must fight. Fight harder than you ever thought you could, fight when you do not want to, fight when it physically and emotionally hurts, fight because you are stronger then you think you are. If you are still here that is proof that you are strong! Strong enough to keep fighting, and strong enough to survive.