The Garden

It’s been years since I've seen you. And even though I am getting by in these solitary years since you left, there is not a single day that I don’t think of you. Not a single day that I can forget. Your words and actions drift endlessly from hundred miles away, constantly plaguing everyday thoughts. You taint every single memory I have of my childhood, every single memory I have of myself. From the monster I am a part of, you still truly define me. You are the embodiment of everything I am petrified to be. Everything I don’t want to finalize myself into is this very monster I've grown to known, the final form of my beautiful insanity. I can’t say I never sat here wishing for your demise. To a time before all this happened and I was pure. To save every countless individual you corrupted by your touch. Your actions and your very being trickled down into every surface of my skull, every surface of anyone who was remotely close to you.

I thought you were supposed to show me this thing we call life. Guide me through this tedious journey. But all I am left with is this crushing weight. You stunted my growth. You ruined every fragile aspect I have of my myself. You ruined my very being. I’m left with the very thought that I am just a byproduct of this monster that you became. Another tool for you to cause harm and destruction. To ruin all that comes close to me in the most pitiful ways. To carry on the very deeds that were never finished by your lack of years. You’re a part of me and I cannot change that, no matter how much I resist. Maybe this part of you is just dormant. Ready to give me the final killing blow by resurfacing though my broken wounds. The onset of the beginning of the end of me.

My biggest fear might only become my reality. I see you faintly everywhere I go to hide away. I see you in the crowd of busy streets. I see you in the wilted flowers around the forest in this small town. I see you in the mirror when I look at myself to this present day. Now my garden is ruined, you ripped up the soon to be charming flowers, you cut stems, you unearthed un-blossomed seeds, you salted the soil. You left me with nothing. Not even a chance to grow into what I imagined. I withered and rotted. I never even had a chance.

I loathe you, I hate your entire being. Every aspect of what essence you became. I want you nowhere near my soiled life. I want you nowhere near anything that is even remotely related to me. Yet I sit here and say I still love you. In the deepest parts of my conscience, I wish you were dead to save you from yourself. I love you so much it destroys me every single day.

You’re withering, that monster in your head took everything from you. Robbed every form of happiness you ever had and abolished it. You’re killing yourself slowly. You’re rotting from the inside out. It’s finally showing, the horrendous progression of realization. You lost everything but most importantly I lost my you.

I don’t want to live this life. I’ll gather up these broken memories while mending these wounds and trudge day after day. It’s difficult, so heartbreakingly exhausting. Some days I can’t even manage to take a single step forward. 2,040 miles away you’re rotting alone. 2,040 miles away, your son is sending you love.