The Heart

How do we express how we feel? Writing, dancing, singing? Emotions bleed through all of us, through everything we do. But what happens to us if our emotions are blocked from being expressed? And what if the person we want to express things to, we can't due to distance, or simply have no way to get into contact with them?

It's scary, thinking about the outside world. I feel everyone. My mind is the scariest thing but my heart is something without fear. I'm not always good with emotion. I wish that changed. I bottle everything up for so long; I don't know what's normal anymore. Everyday I feel like I'm just distracting myself from being heartbroken all over again.

Everyone has a light and a dark side. My dark side is... was... very dark. I've changed a lot as a person and I'm glad for that. However, I'm still so young. I have a lot of growing to do still. When your heart is set on one and you have no contact with them, it's maddening.

For me, I feel weird, different. My situation is really confusing and I guess would drive anyone mad. But it's especially maddening because instead of having contact with them, I just have pieces, seeing him at the same place at a different time. Everything in my bones is telling me to run but I can't. I have nowhere to run to anymore, no place to escape my thoughts.

My friends have abandoned me long ago, and I no longer know who I am. Writing is my only escape but even that has its limits. I feel more trapped than ever. I want to scream but I can't. Even if I did, no one would hear my cries. So I just am left with this empty pit that feels infinite. I don't know when the pain will stop or what to do. I've tried dancing and that's fun in the moment; it distracts and distances.

Dancing only does that for so long, though. Once I'm done, it's back to the sad reality of loneliness. I have no one to talk to really about what I'm feeling, no one that would understand it anyway. I just feel this void where my heart used to be. I want to cry, punch something, scream, and just fall to my knees and give everything up all at once.

It's ironic. The one place I want to go, I can't. I've begged and tried to explain but no one listens. It's the only place I feel like I can completely and totally be myself and not worry about being made fun or being perfect. My mind is stuck between trying to please my father (a man who will never be proud of me no matter what I do) and my mother who thinks I'm a narcissist who only cares about himself and money. Everything that I have created wasn't even for me. In part, it was to let my mind have a filter. But it was also to express love to someone who... I don't know what is happening—

I've attempted suicide more times than I can count. It feels like I'm in hell and it is maddening—like I have no contact with the outside world. Every time I try and go back to one of the scripts/stories that I'm writing, I'm stuck. The emotions aren't there and I can't force that. I can tell when I'm writing a scene and my emotions aren't correct or present. The scene or story weakens and it's like trying to run through a brick wall. It feels like my mind is constantly stuck on a loop and the only action that my body can react, is my head spinning in circles.

I try to focus on things that keep me going but lately it's been hard. It feels like I've been struggling for a little under a year now. I used to have things to distract me. Every day I would have a routine: Work, friends, video-games, possibly writing if I felt up to it. But now my work is writing but I don't have any feedback. I don't have any grades or professors. I've been trying to write to clear my mind and for school that I can't afford to go to.

Everything in my life has flipped upside down and I feel like a dead fish in the water just floating upside-down. On top of that, I feel insignificant on the inside. I feel like I just disappoint everyone just by existing and there is nothing I can do to change that. Do you ever have that feeling where you wish you'd never been born? That's how I feel daily. I'm scared to go to the doctors. It's like I can hear everyone's thoughts now. In crowds, in public, everywhere I go, it feels like my head is filled with everyone else's thoughts. How can I be certain that I won't just take a whole bottle of pills again?

Granted, I haven't been out in public really for about a year; I've become a recluse. I don't know what I feel, I don't know what I should feel, I don't know who I should talk to. I went from being so independent to having the walls close in around me. My heart feels confused. I don't know what's real anymore. I don't know what I know and what I don't know. All that I know for certain is that I have changed and I'm not quite sure whether or not I like the person that I have become. I have lost myself entirely.