The Horrors of High-Functioning Depression

Usually depression is portrayed as not getting out of bed, or being extremely suicidal. But depression isn’t that easy to spot. It isn’t so black and white. Depression is a sneaky creature that attacks its prey in the dark, where the naked eye can’t see and the human brain can’t fathom. It’s doing what you have to do with the feeling of emotional detachment. The difference between me and a robot is that I have a brain, and organs, and I can breathe. My body is a plane and I’m on autopilot.

However, people see my productivity as a way to debunk my depression. Because we’re all fed that depressed people have no energy to get out of bed and actually be a productive member of society, and we eat it up hungrily without question. They see me laughing and smiling and socializing. They don’t realize that my smile is fake, my laugh isn’t genuine and socializing just drains me even more. My body is an empty bottle which my mind keeps drinking out of.

See, we all have batteries of some sort. Usually people have access to a charger when they’re drained; whether it be going out or doing their hobby, or just staying home and watching Netflix. We don’t have a charger. While everyone else is at 100 percent, we’re at five percent pretending to be at 95 percent. And sometimes we shut down, because our battery life is short.

When we shut down, we’re less productive. We don’t get things done. We stay at home and we watch seconds slip by with the thought I should do something repeating over and over and over again in our heads like a song on replay. We then get called lazy.

See, when we’re productive, we build this expectation from other people; what they assume that we’re capable of doing. When we don’t do what we’re supposed to do, we get greeted with disappointment and comments of us "being lazy," as if we were mentally healthy. But we’re not lazy, we’re unmotivated—and there’s a huge difference between the two.

Yes, we go out. Yes, we socialize. Yes, it seems like we’re having fun. But we don’t actually have fun. We’re just there because we have to be. Everything we do is an obligation because we’re so obsessed with creating this façade of "I’m okay, really" that we forget to realize that we’re not okay at all. That we’re broken, lost, extremely sad, and lonely. Because even in a crowd of our closest friends, we’re still numb and detached.

Sometimes, we don’t even know that we’re depressed. Hell, it took me years to realize that something’s wrong with me, and years for people to realize that, too. Because how could someone so optimistic, happy, funny, and witty be so broken inside? How could a beautiful personality be made of shards of glass? It doesn’t work that way. We don’t work that way.

High functioning depression is one of those grey areas of mental health which people ignore, because it’s not severe enough to be called depression. But it’s poisonous in its own ways. Hiding behind something isn’t going to help. Hiding your mental illness from yourself isn’t going to help. When you say "I’m okay" to someone’s "how are you," are you trying to convince them or yourself? When you go out and your peers seem to have fun, are you sharing that happiness?

Do you even know what happiness is?

Because sometimes people go their whole lives without getting a taste of that blissful feeling. We forget how good it feels to be happy and actually enjoy life that it’s starting to become a mirage of a dream, so we make our own happiness. But you can’t invent something that’s already been created, just because you don’t have it. It doesn’t make sense.

Pay attention to yourself. We’re all so distracted by the loud noises and bright lights of everything around us that we forget to tune into what our hearts want. It isn’t like we mean to ignore them, we just do. And paying attention to yourself might seem difficult and absolutely fucking ridiculous, but it’s essential to get help. You need to know yourself before reaching out.

If you can’t feel, that’s a red flag. We’re living things; we’re supposed to feel emotions. It’s wired into our minds. We have specific chemicals that get released for that purpose; to feel. Happiness, sadness, anger, shock, amusement; we’re supposed to feel that. Ask for help. That’s what people do when they’re in need of a hand, and that’s what you should do because you are in need of a hand. Talk about how you feel because even though it’s hard and uncomfortable, talking gets the people around you to understand just a bit.

If you suspect someone that has high functioning depression, ask them what’s wrong. Let them know that you’re there for them. Let them know that things are going to be okay. They might not believe it, but those words bring comfort, like how home brings comfort; a sense of peace in this war we’re in. Help them. Don’t patronize them when they’re unmotivated. Don’t call them lazy. They can’t help but be unmotivated.

Suppressing emotions and dismissing someone’s help is the most deadly thing out there. Spitting out your negative emotions and thoughts into an empty whiskey bottle isn’t going to help you, it’s just going to make it worse. Pretending to be okay is going to make it worse.

Depression is a monster that swallows you whole if you can’t get out of its grasp soon enough. Getting swallowed whole is a painful spiral that kills you inside. Talk to someone; a friend, a family member, anyone you trust. Talking is the first step of eradicating your mental illness because it acknowledges the presence. And if you suspect that someone has depression, talk to them. Maybe they won’t open up at first, but they will soon enough.

You can do this. You’ll be okay.