The Hospital Food is Practically Gourmet Compared to This

I’m Not Crazy, I swear

I was told not to try, but to succeed by a very straightforward nurse in the Children’s Mental Ward of the Fort Walton Beach hospital. He told me that if he ever saw me there again, he would cause significant bodily harm. And that’s putting it nicely. After gathering up whatever dignity and morality I had left after my numerous breakdowns, I walked out of the hospital’s double doors wrapped in my white sheet, closely resembling a blanket goblin and sat in the back of the ambulance, unaware of what was to come. (Cue sad violin music)

On March 4th, 2018, I was Baker Acted. I admitted myself to Twin Cities Hospital at around 10 o’clock at night, leaving all my school duties and responsibilities behind. I admitted myself due to my destructive and harmful thoughts that absolutely terrified me. I admitted myself because I was so damn unstable, I couldn’t function properly. I admitted myself because I needed immediate help since I was getting nowhere with the monotonous therapy sessions and having to drug myself to have a somewhat stable mental state. When someone is involuntarily Baker Acted, they are to be held for 72 hours with a range of exams and procedures. Intense therapy, strict schedules, and daily medical check-ups are just some of the goodies that come from a being locked away in a mental hospital. Not to mention being monitored by at least two nurses at all times. A patient has two options: adjust how you see yourself and how you handle the problems you face as you go on in life, or lie your ass off so you could leave as soon as possible. Most of us chose the latter. It was scary being around so many people who were not mentally well; people who were worse than me. There were extreme cutters, a girl with Schizophrenia and anorexia, reckless and dangerous kids, and a boy who overdosed on blood-thinners which resulted him being in a coma for two days before arriving at the psychological institution. But we, the “psychos,” had some good times. We were allowed outside privileges, a chance to play basketball in the gym, got to do yoga, and were gifted time to do arts and crafts in recreational therapy. And on the plus side, the hospital food was so good, it almost cured my depression.

The experience I had was interesting, to say the least. As in interesting, I mean never wanting to go back because it was awful and I hated it. People get Baker Acted because they have this absurd idea in mind that it will help; that it will magically make things okay. That’s what I thought going in. Getting there at 2 in the morning and not getting fully checked in until 4:30, I thought differently. I second-guessed myself because I had a terrible gut feeling about that place. I kept in mind their good intentions, but we weren’t supposed to be kept there. We weren’t supposed to be locked up like animals and always watched. We needed real, genuine help. Not from a place that you could lie about being okay in and they actually believe it. Seeking real help, not by Baker Acting yourself, is the second step. Accepting you need help is the first.

Pretending to be okay at the expense of potentially making your mental status worse is literally the dumbest idea. Like, ever. Personal growth is about accepting; you need to accept your place. You can’t expect yourself to be anywhere other than where you are right now. I accepted the fact that I needed help when I walked into Twin Cities. Max Depree said that, “We cannot become what we want by remaining what we are.” Depression is not a walk in the park, folks. I couldn’t continue to let my depression control my actions, so I took that control back. I didn’t want my depression to define me anymore. And just because I’m depressed, doesn’t mean people should think any less of me. I realized that I was being confined by the walls that I built myself –– walls that were keeping me from being the me that’s happy and thriving. I needed to eliminate the negatives and focus on the positives. The potential for personal growth is endless and I’m just getting started.