The Invisible Curse

When most people hear the phrase, "Beauty is pain," they think of plastic surgery or bikini waxes. But what I think of is the hunger pains and the fainting spells. Or the mind numbing, excruciating feeling of my organs slowly eating themselves to death.

But if anyone where to look at me, they would never know I am sick. There is not one identifying factor that shouts, "EDNOS!" You can't look at me and tell, like you could with someone who is battling terminal cancer.

On the outside, I am a completely normal, 19 year old girl. Not underweight, but not overweight. Athletic and totally obsessed with eating healthy.

Or so it may seem. But the reality so much more dark. Dark and lonely.

I have what is called EDNOS, (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified.)

Which basically means: "You're fucking your self, and because you are not a statistic we can't help you.'"

EDNOS is what I like to call an invisible curse. It's the most dangerous type of eating disorder out there. Because of the fact that it doesn't give a fuck about staying in the box, or being mainstream. No, EDNOS is way to "hip" to be tied to a basic label like Anorexia or Bulimia.

There are certain defining characteristics that help doctors properly diagnose Anorexia bulimia or Bulimarexia, (a combo of anorexia and bulimia). These thing range from:

• Low body mass index
• Amenohorra: A condition, that causes hair, teeth, nails, and skin to become brittle, yellow in color and basically make you look like a-pack-a-day- smoker.
• Fear of weight gain (Obviously)
• Calorie restricting
• Binge eating then purging.
• Copious amounts of exercise.

and more.

But with EDNOS, one or none of these may be presenting itself. It could be something as simple as just being a super picky eater, which effects your relationship with food. Or something as difficult as feeling guilty about the types of food you eat, and punishing yourself after.

For me, and many others out there, IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH WEIGHT LOSS! It's true. Young children as old as five are being diagnosed with eating disorders. Five years old! (Insert mind blown sound here.) Now my experience with little children, is that kids tend not to care about appearances. So how can a child, who doesn't see people as objectified beings start going down this road?

One simple answer, it's a mental illness. The same way that OCD and bipolar disorder are mental illnesses. And children are so vulnerable. It wouldn't take much for a little girl or boy to become susceptible to eating disorders.

EDNOS is widely untreated and un-diagnosed, leaving a large portion of people feeling alone, isolated, and depressed. And without proper medical care.

My journey with this demonic curse started really young, probably around six or seven years old.

I remember being taken to a fast food place, were my older sister ordered me a burger and fries, I just remember staring at the food in front of me, and refusing to eat it.

Now for me, my early childhood was spent in Los Angeles California, where by the will of my mother, I was forced into the entertainment industry. The world of stick thin models and superficial people. So everyday, I was watching, as these types of people became successful. I had to compete with them. So really its no wonder I grew into a screwed up adult. I had all kinds of pressure to become perfect, to make sure that everyone liked me. I felt ashamed if I got turned down at casting calls. I felt useless, unwanted, ugly. (And to this day, I still feel this way when I am unable to please others.)

This shame and pressure presented itself in a self destructive path that would eventually lead to serious health issues.

I missed out on so much of my life because of this battle. I missed high school dances and prom. I missed my entire 8th grade year because I started to have seizures due to having a poor diet.

Despite all this, I came out pretty lucky in the end. Alive and well into my road of recovery and learning how to rebuild my relationship with food and myself.

I have with the help of the Most High, learned to except myself the way I am, and to grant others the same acceptance.

Years of silent battles and invisible suffering has left me yes, broken, but not un-fixable.

Even though so little is known about EDNOS, recovery is still possible. You just have to be willing to find what works for you.