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The Last Letter

The Story of Samantha Rose

By Yalanda PricePublished 6 years ago 11 min read
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“Death is not an option,” she kept telling herself, but in her mind, death was the only option. Death, for her, was an escape from the bondage of life. She had grown weary of her mental rollercoaster and this was her only way out. “People are gonna think I’m crazy!” she thought, but that was the least of her worries. She knew she lived her life in the shadows. Who was going to miss her? No one can miss what can’t be seen. Even though she had glimmers of hope nothing really worked out for her in the past.

It seemed like other people had it so much easier…"Stop it!!" she exclaimed as she slammed her pen down on the solid dark oak table. “Stop comparing yourself to others; you know what Dr. Campbell said.” At that moment she could feel the anxiety rise in her like a wave about to crash onto the shore, and she knew it was too late to do anything to stop it. The floodgates had already been opened…

She picked up her pen and began to write. “This invisible, lonely girl left her earthly vessel to don her celestial garment…” The words didn’t make sense to her. She thought, “Celestial garments? Who says that except for some charismatic cult leader!” she smirked to herself. She thought for a moment and began again. “This woman, who will remain nameless, left her earthly body and is now at peace.” She paused, even though she knew she had to keep going. She had to keep writing!

She looked up for a moment out of the large bay window onto a lush green meadow. For a moment she let her mind wander to what her life would’ve been like had things been different. In her vision, she could see her husband and daughter playing carefree among the rainbow-colored flowers. Twirling, swirling around until they both were too dizzy to stand.

Her husband, Gabriel Journey, a tall, strong, proud caramel skinned man was the love of her life. They had met in college and became friends over their shared disinterest in Mr. Hathaway’s world civilizations class. Theirs wasn’t a love at first sight kind of love, they tried dating, but the timing always seemed off and then one day the pieces of their love puzzle suddenly fit. Because of their mutual friendship and respect, their affection grew. Fast forward eight years and that love had only grown stronger.

As a result of their passion, Love Marie was born. She and her husband always wanted a child with a unique name. She was created in love, the perfect name for her would have to be the same. Love Marie was a picture-perfect child, bubbly, energetic, beautiful. This raven-haired beauty lit up a room whenever she entered, her chocolate eyes melted the hearts of everyone she met. Her look was eclectic, unique much like her name and much like her family.

Her thoughts returned to her letter, but only for a moment; the dream of her “family” was too strong to let go…

In the rich green meadow, Gabriel and Love Marie played blissfully unaware they were being watched. A warm feeling rushed over her; for the first time she felt a sense of peace. She felt loved and sheer happiness. For her, this moment seemed impossible, but it was a reality. Her life was complete!

“But it's just a dream,” she thought as she snapped herself back to reality. “A dream that will never come true. I am alone! I live alone! I will die alone!” A solitary tear ran down her cheek and onto the paper below. “Why do I bother dreaming.” She sobbed, “all I do is feel dead inside.” She wiped away the tear in defiance and tried to tell herself that the fantasy could become reality. "Use the 'tools,'" she repeated. “Use the tools. Dr. C said to visualize; change your thoughts.” She grabbed her head in sheer desperation and yelled out, “Dear God! Why can’t I be normal? Why can’t I be happy?” She closed her eyes, breathed deeply, and slowly exhaled.

“This is the last letter. The final mark, the last piece to prove I ever existed.” She began to write, “Samantha 'Sam' Rose was born March 6, 1997, went to be with her heavenly father on August 13, 2017. She had dealt with a lifelong battle with depression and anxiety. 'Sam,' as she was called by those close to her, was a quiet laid back girl who loved to learn.

She enjoyed her quiet time which allowed her to think. “Her battle with depression began when she was younger. People thought she was just a moody child, but really she was battling for her life. In reality, Sam died a long time ago. She tried so many times, she wanted to end it… not because she wanted to die, but she wanted to end the suffering. She wanted to be normal, whatever that meant.”

“Now she is at peace; Sam is at rest.” As she was writing her thoughts focused on the “others,” those people that had hurt her without knowing, without caring, she continued, “And for all the people who ever hurt her. Ever disrespected her, ever belittled her, made her feel like crap I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY SHE’S DEAD! I HOPE YOU THINK OF HOW YOU TREAT PEOPLE! She was drowning and no one saved her, now she’s dead… Now she’s at peace… now Sam is free.”

As she got up from her chair she scanned her room. It wasn’t anything to brag about, but it was better than what she used to have. Sam was an intelligent, educated woman who held several advanced degrees. Because of this, she could afford lovely homes, cars, and the ability to travel. It gave her the comfort she longed for. However, her comfort distanced her from her heart’s desire… a husband, kids. She always thought she had more time, she always thought things would get better. Until she realized she was lying to herself.

As Sam walked around her modest living space, everything seemed much clearer. She stopped in front of pictures from her recent trip to Europe. “I was so happy; this was a trip of a lifetime,” she recounted. “I had so much fun, I never dreamed I’d actually go back.” Her dream return trip was the result of a research grant given to her by the university.

She continued walking around her room, reminiscing about "good" times. Ironically, she had never felt more alive. She kept walking down the hallway where she stopped at the door to her bedroom which had been partially opened. Inside the room: bare walls, beige, lifeless color, no pictures, no memories. This room was in stark contrast to the rest of the house. “This is where it’ll happen,” she thought, “this is where they will find me.”

The preparations had been done, she had her pill bottles lined neatly on the nightstand. She had her favorite outfit ready to be put on. Her paperwork was in order, her last will and testament, neatly laid on the desk next to the window along with final instructions. “There’s no turning back now. The deed must be done, the letters to her friends and family will explain the why, so there won’t be any unanswered questions. Sobbing, she said, “there must be a better way of living. If my dying allows someone to live, then it was worth it.”

Being noble was never her strong suit but today she felt noble, even brave. “Funny, today of all days I feel strong like there isn’t anything I can’t do.” Sam gently sat down on the bed eyeing the pill bottles as she tried to decide which one to take first. Randomly, she grabbed a bottle opened it and quickly threw them in her mouth. The glass of red wine that followed did nothing to dull the bitter taste of the medicine. “One bottle down,” she thought to herself. Reaching for her second dose of death, Sam contently swallowed the second bottle and she knew death was near and she didn’t want anything to stand in its way. “Come night, come peace.” She whispered as the pills quickly began to take effect.

A quiet calm blanketed over her, she could feel herself letting go and a wave of peace washed over her. Her breathing was shallow, her eyelids were heavy, her muscles too weak to move, “This is what death feels like,” she thought.

Silence then darkness…

Sam slowly opened her eyes and looked around. She saw a brightness that she had never seen before. “This must be heaven.” She thought, “I don’t feel any different except…"

“Mommy, Mommy.” A little girl shouted, “you fell asleep again, the movie's ready, the pizza is here and daddy!!!”

For a moment, Sam was confused, who was this child? Why was she calling her Mommy? All of a sudden she remembered, the letter, the pills, the silence and the darkness…they had all been a long forgotten memory. “I am in heaven.” She smiled.

Gabriel made his way upstairs to their bedroom. “What’s takin' so long? The pizza will be cold before ya know it.” He looked at Sam with a puzzled expression. “What’s wrong, baby?” Did you have a bad dream?” He walked over to her and rubbed her back, “Whatever it was, it's over…you're home, you're safe and you’re loved.”

A huge grin appeared on Sam’s face, but it was real; it really did happen. I was lost, I was drowning…I wanted to die. I think I did die, but he saved me. This guy I talked to in class a few times; we both hated history and we both were weird and quirky. I was comfortable with him and I told him what I wanted to do…I didn’t think he heard me…I didn’t think he cared.”

“Sweetheart, why don’t you go downstairs?” Gabriel turned to his daughter. “OK, daddy.” The little girl responded as she skipped out of the room. Gabriel turned to his wife who still looked out of sorts. He wrapped his arms around her. “Sam, talk to me; you came up here a few hours ago, you fell asleep, and now you’re off…What’s wrong?”

The look of concern on his face worried her so she quickly reassured him. “I’m fine, Gabe. Do you remember this?” She unfolded the “Letter.” He looked shocked that she even had it let alone that she brought it out and was reading it. “Why, why are you looking at this? I thought we had agreed to leave this in the past where it belongs.”

“I know we agreed and I didn’t mean to, I was just looking through some things and I stumbled across it, along with these…” She pulled out the pill bottles that she used as the catalyst for her life escape. Sam looked at her husband as if she wanted him to understand…understand her mindset…understand how desperate she was…understand how much she wanted to die. “I AM NOT GOING TO HURT MYSELF,” she reassured him. “I have you and Love Marie; my life is perfect. I never thought I would ever be this happy. I’m never going back,” she boldly declared as a smile came across her face.

“Back then I thought I was alone. I only told you because I didn’t think you cared; I didn’t think anybody cared, but you rescued me. I hated you at first, but then I fell in love with you and everything changed. I did die that day the old Sam died. I’m not that person anymore.” Sam leaned over and gave Gabriel a kiss. Just then Love Marie ran back into the room. “Ewwwww!” she exclaimed. “I wanna watch the movie, whatcha doing?” she looked at her mommy and asked, “Why are you crying, Mommy? Are you sad?”

Sam smiled and replied, “No, sweetheart, Mommy’s happy; these are happy tears.” As she squeezed her tightly…

Sam, Gabe, and Love Marie walked out of the bedroom and made their way downstairs. Wednesday night was a family movie and pizza night, a tradition started by Love Marie. Together the family sat in their favorite spots on the family couch, watched Beauty and the Beast, enjoyed pizza and each other’s company. Sam looked around and smiled to herself. Her dreams had come true. She wasn’t alone anymore, she was loved, she was happy. Her life was everything she had ever dreamed of but never expected.

Unadulterated Bliss...

Samantha “Sam” Rose-Journey was born March 6, 1997, went to be with her heavenly father on August 13, 2069, at the tender age of 72. She dedicated her life to helping youth who battled with depression and anxiety. Mamma Rose, as she was affectionately called, became a pillar in her community helping to bring awareness about mental health. Through sharing her own stories, she was able to touch countless people.

Sam left behind her devoted husband of fifty years, Gabriel and her daughter Love Marie, and her four children: Samantha Crystal, Cameron, Zy Michael, and DeMonte. Sam’s legacy continued not only with her friends and family but also in her well-spoken mantra: Be yourself, know yourself, respect yourself, and love yourself.

Sam realized that death was the only option she had to free herself from herself in order to live the dream she thought was impossible.

depression
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About the Creator

Yalanda Price

I'm a quiet, quirky, nerdy girl who likes chillin' with her friends. I'm searching for my place in this world and what everything means. I love to write, read, watch tv, and just vibe on that positive wave to happiness.

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