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The Lengths I Will Go to JUST to Prove a Point

The Story of How Losing My Friend Saved My Life

By Marissa shookPublished 6 years ago 5 min read
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My life feels like it is in constant turmoil. It is. I'm moving. I'm broke. I'm failing classes. I for some reason keep dating addicts. I could write about all of that. I could even have told you about my first job. I could write about discovering my favorite TV show. I could tell you what it's like to wake up driving a car. None of these events were really shocking. They really didn’t inspire me. They are all after tremors of the only event that has ever saved my life. It isn’t a good thing. It isn’t a complicated thing. I’m not the only person who experienced it. There is absolutely nothing "special” about losing a friend.

My friend died in a car accident. She was texting and driving. She was wearing her seat-belt and going the speed limit. She died with in eye sight of my house and I didn’t know about it. What was truly unique about this event is the impact it had on me. Her death saved me. If she had not died I would not have lived to be 19, not have survived to be 20. I would not be planning on living through today much less to be 25, 30, or 40.

This was perhaps a year and a half before I sit down to write this essay. I was lying awake after failing yet another math quiz and an English test. I was flinging my usual thoughts at the roof of my bedroom. “Why am I still here?” “Why can’t I do anything right?” “Who am I to be wasting the Earth’s resources to live this lame life?” “How can I dispatch my life with minimal trauma for my family?” “I can’t shoot myself it’s too messy, I can’t crash my car it’s too expensive, I can’t OD we don’t have any drugs, I can’t slit my wrists.” “Why doesn’t anyone love me?” “Why can’t I tell them I have a problem?” “I don’t want to hurt anyone, I just don’t want to keep breathing.” It was that night that I had decided to get my affairs in order and later that week I would drown myself in the creek. I was already hoping I could make it look like an accident so my family wouldn’t think they had done anything wrong.

That is when we got the phone call. I was cleaning out my room, neglecting school work and making sure my family understood I loved them when my mom got the call. My best friend for the last 13 years had died in a car accident. My entire family was distraught. We realized my sister had never known the world without Kiersten. The shock of this development pushed my “inevitable doom” off a little farther. I couldn’t kill myself and make my family deal with the loss of two children at the same time. Kirstein was just that—a sister.

I stopped eating. I stopped sleeping. I couldn’t stop moving. It felt like I would freeze up if I didn’t stay in constant motion. I couldn’t wrap my mind around what made the world extinguish such a bright beautiful light. I could not comprehend that she never turned 18 while I continued aging. I could not fathom the idea that my useless blobby waste of a human lived while this amazing inspirational joy rotted. It had to mean something. Her death couldn’t just be that. She was worth so much more than a "don’t text and drive" lesson. I looked around and that’s all that anyone could make of it. Pastors, priests, parents, friends, siblings, all of them were just writing her life off as a lesson to others to use common sense! It was not enough for me.

The night after her funeral, I lay awake again. Running on a few hours of sleep a week, eating only an orange a day if I was lucky. I lay awake flinging new questions through my ceiling and to the stars. I wanted to know why she died. I wanted to know how everyone could be writing her death off this way. I wanted to know how I could show them how much more she was worth. It was as if she smiled and her smile illuminated my mind like it would a room. She smiled at me and I knew what I could do to commemorate this shooting star of a girl.

I had to live. I had to start planning for my future. I had to make a difference. I had to be the best me I could be. She had died and I had not. By dying she had imparted a new value on my life. I was suddenly a monument to her. I could not die. I had to start living a life that would make Kiersten proud. I had to stop planning my death. I had to start caring about school. I had to stop being so timid. I had to start taking risks. I had to start loving harder. I had to start reforming every aspect of my life to be better. From a change in religions to trying to think positive things.

The most shocking thing that has happened to me is that I lived. I came to LSSU to go to college. My family has noticed that I am a different person. They of course blame college and work—moving, and aging. I know the truth. This isn’t to say that I no longer struggle with my demons. I still lay awake at night crying and shaking. I still contemplate dying. Kirstein gave me a weapon to beat my demons into submission with. She gave me the biggest gift I have ever been given. Because of her, I now have a reason to live. I now have a new plan to work on. I plan on making the world a better place. Every breath I take is Kiersten’s fault—I am determined to make her sacrifice worthy of the life it took. She will never stop making this world a better place and I am willing to live to prove it.

coping
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About the Creator

Marissa shook

As a college student at lssu in u.p. MI. from wyoming. I am also a huge fan of poetry, music dance, art, and dogs. My father is a brewer and my mother is a business consultant. Me? I'm not good with people.

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