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I wake up exhausted because no amount of sleep is enough to make me feel rested. My mind is always switched on even when I'm asleep. As if it wasn't already exhausting enough when I was awake. I remember when I was still taking my meds and I felt so amazing when I woke up. Like a brand new person ready to take on the world. Now I just feel groggy and barely human. I know the meds just gave me a false sense of happiness and I chose to stop taking them but I have to admit I miss them sometimes.
I struggle to get out of bed and my mind has an internal fist fight with itself. "Do you really need to go for this lecture", "Yes this lecture is important!", "But it's so cold! Let's just stay in bed for a few minutes", "Do you want to fail out of university?? You do realise you want to get a doctorate someday right?"
I finally convince myself to get out of bed and start getting ready in a hurry because as always I'm already late.
I run out of my house just to see the bus drive away. Fuck. I stand in the cold for a while hoping the next bus comes quickly. Why do I do this everyday? Every single fucking day. I am such a pathetic failure.
The next bus finally comes and I get in. Perfect, the driver is driving as slow as humanly possible. I am so done with this shit.
I finally reach my class and go to lecture after lecture. See, the thing with being anxious all the time is that your memory gets really hazy and you can't concentrate on what anyone is saying so I usually need to go through my notes a bunch of times before I finally get it. It's frustrating but I try to remember my goals.
I try to blog when I get back but a part of me just keeps saying that I need to stop complaining about my privileged life because there are people out there literally starving to death who are less whiny than I am. Oh well, maybe I'll just write something tomorrow when I'm feeling a little better.
I check my phone, my best friend hasn't replied yet. I know she's probably busy but I still feel like maybe she low-key hates me or something. Maybe it was because of that mini argument we had a few months back. She couldn't possibly still be mad right? Maybe she hates me. That would make sense. Maybe she realised what a boring person I am and doesn't want to talk to me anymore.
I call my mum because she'll freak out and think I'm dead if I don't and we talk for a while but I still feel sad and like everyone hates me. I wish it didn't feel this way and I could just shut out everything for a while. I just... I just need a break. Even just for a few minutes. Please.
I decide to binge watch The Office again since I have a bunch of work to do I'm obviously not going to do that any time soon. The only time I feel even a little relaxed is when I'm watching something.
I end up ordering pizza for dinner and saying 'thank' instead of 'thanks' to the delivery guy. That's probably going to haunt me for a couple of years. Yay.
I was supposed to go to bed by at least midnight. I always promise myself I'll go to sleep earlier but I have no self control and end up watching The Office till about 3a.m. I finally get to bed feeling like crap for not taking better care of myself. I check my phone and realise my best friend has replied. I fall asleep with a smile on my face.